Princess Sultana's Circle

year we wed, I have
witnessed the great struggle you undergo each Ramadan. I know that
for you to succeed in your fast is a thousand times more remarkable
than it is for an ordinary person.”
    I squirmed, uncertain what
I should do. While I had determined it best not to confess my
failure to keep my fast, I felt overwhelmed with guilt at accepting
congratulations for a feat I had not accomplished. The weight of my
conscience came down full force on my heart.
    I knew that I must tell my
husband the truth, no matter how disagreeable it might be for both
of us. “But, Kareem…”
    “ Do not protest, Sultana.
You should be, and you will be, greatly rewarded for fulfilling
your vows.”
    “ Kareem, I…”
    “ Darling, I realized long
ago that Allah creates some people to be more highly spirited than
others. And I believe that He does this for a great purpose.
Although such people can create turmoil, often it is for the best.”
He smiled sweetly as he stared into my face. “You are just such a
person, Sultana.”
    “ No, no, Kareem, I need to
tell you that…”
    Kareem put his finger
across my lips. “I’ve often thought that you feel more deeply than
anyone I’ve ever known, and that your profound feelings often bring
you great suffering.”
    “ Kareem,
listen…”
    Maha interrupted, “Father
is right, Mother. You will be rewarded many times over for
conquering your desire for earthly pleasures.” Maha turned a
cheerful look at Kareem, “I’m very proud of Mother,
also.”
    I shouted, “No! You do not
understand!” I placed my head in my hands and let out a low cry.
“You do not understand! I must make atonement!”
    At that moment, I finally
felt that I had the courage to explain the reasons for my desperate
need to make amends, and to confess that I was less pure than
either of them believed.
    But Amani chose that same
moment to taunt me, sneering, “You praise a Muslim for doing what
is the minimum normal requirement of every Muslim?”
    Ignoring Amani, Kareem’s
tone was puzzled as he pulled my hands away from my face.
“Atonement? For what, Sultana?”
    I realized I was unwilling
to confess my shortcomings in front of such an unforgiving child as
Amani. I let out a deep breath. “I must make additional reparations
for past sins.”
    I felt guilty seeing
Kareem’s eyes glisten in pride and affection. How could I sink so
low? Lowering my head, I mumbled, “I’ve always been so sinful, as
you know.”
    Now I was being
manipulative, even more reason for guilt! I was certain that God
would severely punish me for continuing such shameless deception. I
made a silent but sincere vow that I would wait no longer than
until the first moment Kareem and I were alone to right this wrong.
I would confess everything.
    My thoughts drifted to
Mother. I sighed and unintentionally spoke aloud, “I wish Mother
was with us.”
    Amani spitefully declared,
“Only the weak cannot accept the will of God.”
    I stared at Amani with a
long look of resigned misery.
    She opened her mouth as
though to insult me once again, but Kareem gave her a stern and
reproachful glare. “We are practically at the end of Ramadan,
Amani, and you insult your mother?”
    This stopped Amani from
saying more.
    Suddenly, a melodious voice
came over the neighborhood Mosque loudspeaker announcing that the
new moon for the month of Shawwal, which is the tenth Hijra month,
had been sighted and confirmed. Ramadan was over! The celebration
of Eid-ul-Fitr could now begin. We expressed our joy by embracing
and congratulating each other and our servants, each of us asking
God to keep us in good health until the next Ramadan.
    My favorite time of Ramadan
had arrived, although my joy was somewhat tempered by the knowledge
that I had not yet made atonement.
    Eid, the most special
holiday of Islam, continues for three days and is marked by a
variety of events organized by the government, including fireworks,
poetry recitals, dramas, painting contests, and folk singing
concerts. Individuals celebrate by visiting family and friends, and
bringing gifts.
    We celebrated into the
night until the golden rays of morning sunlight began to appear on
the horizon. Thus, there was no opportunity that night to confess
to Kareem.
    The next morning, we did
not wake from our exhausted sleep until noon. As I lay in bed, I
steeled myself to tell Kareem of my broken oaths, but as soon as he
finished dressing, he reminded me that he would be spending much of
the day