Public Secrets

sin, but I think it’s a bigger one to pretend you love someone when you don’t. I hope you’re happy again because when I saw you last summer you were sad .
There are lots of things in the paper about you and Bev. Maybe I’m not supposed to talk about something like that, but I can’t help it. If you and Bev get married, I won’t be mad. She’s so beautiful and good you can’t help it if you love her. Maybe if she’s happy with you, she won’t hate me anymore. I know you’re not fighting with Da like it says in some of the papers. It would be stupid to blame him for loving Bev if you love her, too .

I found this picture I took of you and Da a long time ago. I know you’re going to start the new album soon, so you can show it to him. I hope you’re happy, because I love you. Maybe I’ll see you in London this summer .
Love,
Emma
P.M. studied the picture for a long time, then slipped it inside the folded letter, and the letter inside the envelope. Divorcing his wife had been one thing, he realized. Divorcing his family was something else again.

J OHNNO SPENT HIS first day back in New York sleeping, and his second composing. He was living alone at the moment, and gratefully so. His last lover had driven him to distraction with obsessive cleanliness. Johnno was fastidious himself, but when it had come to washing all the bottles and cans that had come into the house from the market, even he had been baffled.
He appreciated the silence—after the housekeeper had left. He thought idly about spending the evening out, but decided he was too lazy. It wasn’t jet lag as much as it was the strain of the last few weeks. The legalities and hassles of the new label, the difficult visit with Stevie at the clinic, and worse somehow, the time he had spent with Brian, watching his oldest friend snuggle down deeper into a bottle.
Yet the music Brian was writing was better than ever. Stinging, lyrical, sharp-edged, dreamy. He wouldn’t speak of his feelings, of his hurt or anger over P.M.’s relationship with Bev. But it was there in his music.
That was enough to keep Pete happy, Johnno thought as he stripped off his shirt. As long as Devastation kept rocking, all was right with the world.
He took out the shrimp salad his housekeeper had made up, uncorked a bottle of wine, and pushed idly through the mail which had accumulated during his absence. When Emma’s handwriting caught his eye, he grinned.
Dear Johnno ,

I’ve snuck away from the nuns for a little while. I guess I’ll do penance for it later, but I felt I might scream if I didn’t have a few minutes alone. Most of the sisters are cranky today. Three seniors were expelled yesterday. There’s a rule about smoking in uniform so Karen Jones, Mary Alice Plessinger, and Tomisina Gibralti stripped dawn to their slips in the locker room and lit up. Most of the girls think it was cool, but Mother Superior doesn’t have much of a sense of humor .
With a laugh, Johnno pushed aside the salad, lifted his wine, and settled into the letter.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Da, and you and the others. I’ve seen the stories about Stevie, and I hate the things everyone’s saying about him. Have you seen him? Is he all right? The picture I have came from the London Times and makes him look so old and sick. I don’t want to believe that he’s a drug addict, but I’m not a child. Da won’t talk to me about it, so I’m asking you. You always tell me the truth. Some of the girls say that all rock singers are drug addicts. Some of the girls are complete asses .
Gossip manages to get through the walls here, too. I have the article and the pictures of Bev and Da and P.M. from People. Jane was in the picture, too. I don’t want to call her my mother. Please don’t tell Da that I wrote you about it. He gets so upset and it doesn’t change anything. I was upset at first, but I thought about it for a long time. It’s okay if Bev loves P.M., isn’t it? It almost makes it like she’s family again .
I guess I’m really writing to ask you to look after Da. I know he pretends he doesn’t think about Bev anymore, that he doesn’t love her. But he does. I can tell. When I get out of school, I’ll be able to take care of him myself I’m going to have a base in New York with Marianne, and I can travel all over with him, taking pictures .

The one enclosed is a self portrait. I took it last week. Note the earrings. Marianne pierced my ears, and I nearly fainted. I