Pulse

I hear distant drums and ape-calls?’
    ‘My condolences to your spouse.’
    ‘Come on. Stop being facetious. Stop thinking about who you’re married to or who you’re sitting next to. Think about what love’s been like in your life, and think about it in other people’s lives.’
    ‘And?’
    ‘Pain.’
    ‘No gain without pain, as they say.’
    ‘I’ve known pain where there’s no gain. In most cases, actually. “Suffering ennobles” – I’ve always known that was a moralistic lie. Suffering diminishes the individual. Pain degrades.’
    ‘Well, I’ve been hurt – I am in pain – because last time we were here I was telling you in a very discreet way about my home bum-cancer screening …’
    ‘Which you said you did on St Valentine’s Day.’
    ‘And no bugger or C-word here has actually had the courtesy to enquire if I got the result.’
    ‘Dick, did you get the result?’
    ‘Yes, a letter from someone whose job title beneath the illegible signature was, if you can credit it, Hub Director.’
    ‘We won’t go there.’
    ‘And he was writing to say that my result was normal.’
    ‘A- ha .’
    ‘That’s great, Dick.’
    ‘And then – new paragraph – the letter went on to say, and I quote from memory – though, what else might one quote from? – that, quote , no screening test is one hundredper cent accurate, so a normal result does not guarantee that you do not have, or will never develop, bowel cancer.’
    ‘Well, they couldn’t guarantee , could they?’
    ‘It’s all about getting sued.’
    ‘Everything’s about getting sued nowadays.’
    ‘Hence, for example, the prenup – to get us back on track a bit. Larry, would you say the prenup is a proof of love or of insecurity?’
    ‘I don’t know, I’ve never signed one. I guess it’s usually lawyers protecting family money. Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with how you feel, it’s just social protocol. Like pretending you believe all the words of the marriage service.’
    ‘ I did. Every single one.’
    ‘“With my body I thee roger” – ah, now that takes me back. Oh dear, Joanna’s looking a little balefully at me again.’
    ‘Cancer of the heart, not the bum, is the topic.’
    ‘You’re maintaining Love is Pain, are you, Joanna?’
    ‘No. I’m just thinking of a few people – men, yes they are all men, actually – who’ve never been hurt by love. Who are, in fact, incapable of being hurt by love. Who set up a system of evasion and control that guarantees they’ll never get hurt.’
    ‘Is that so unreasonable? It sounds like the emotional equivalent of a prenup.’
    ‘It may be reasonable , but that confirms my point. Some men can do the whole thing – sex, marriage, fatherhood, companionship – and not feel any real pain. Frustration, embarrassment, boredom, anger … and that’s it. Their idea of pain is when a woman doesn’t repay dinner with sex.’
    ‘Who said men were more cynical than women?’
    ‘I’m not being cynical. We can all name a couple of people like that.’
    ‘You mean you’re not in love unless you’re in pain?’
    ‘Of course I don’t mean that. I just mean that, well, it’s like jealousy. Love can’t exist without the possibility of jealousy. If you’re lucky, you may never feel it, but if the possibility, the capacity to feel it, isn’t there, then you aren’t in love. And it’s the same with pain.’
    ‘So Dick wasn’t off the point after all?’
    ‘… ?’
    ‘Well, he doesn’t have bum cancer, except there’s a possibility he might , either now or in the future.’
    ‘Thank you. Vindicated. I knew I knew what I was really talking about.’
    ‘You and the Hub Director.’
    ‘You’re talking about Pete, aren’t you?’
    ‘Who’s Pete? The Hub Director?’
    ‘No, Pete’s the no-pain guy.’
    ‘Pete’s one of those counters. You know, how many women. He could name the day he hit double figures, name the day it was fifty.’
    ‘Well, we’re all counters.’
    ‘Are we?’
    ‘Yes, I remember very well getting to two.’
    ‘There were quite a lot of halves with me, if you know what I mean.’
    ‘All too well. Now there’s pain for you.’
    ‘No, that’s what Pete would call pain. It’s just hurt pride. He does hurt pride and high anxiety. That’s as close as he gets to pain.’
    ‘Sensible guy. What’s not to like? Did he ever marry?’
    ‘Twice. Out of both of them now.’
    ‘And?’
    ‘Embarrassment, a certain self-pity,