Pulse

find a way of cutting the smoking out of films. Like colourising black-and-white movies.’
    ‘When I was growing up in South Africa, the censorship board cut any film that showed normal contact between blacks and whites. They got Island in the Sun down to about twenty-four minutes.’
    ‘Well, most films are too long.’
    ‘I didn’t realise you grew up in South Africa.’
    ‘And the other thing was, everyone smoked in cinemas. Remember that? You watched the screen through a great haze of smoke.’
    ‘Ashtrays in the armrests.’
    ‘Right.’
    ‘But the thing about Bogey smoking … Sometimes, when I’m watching an old film, and there’s a scene in a nightclub with a couple drinking and smoking and swapping bons mots, I think: this is so fucking glamorous. And then I think: actually, can I have a cigarette and a drink right now ?’
    ‘It was glamorous.’
    ‘Apart from the cancer.’
    ‘Apart from the cancer.’
    ‘And the hypocrisy.’
    ‘Well, don’t inhale.’
    ‘Passive hypocrisy?’
    ‘It happens. All the time.’
    ‘Is “colourise” a proper verb, by the way?’
    ‘And does anyone want coffee?’
    ‘Only if you’ve got a cigarette.’
    ‘That was always part of it, wasn’t it? The cigarette with the coffee.’
    ‘I don’t think there are any in the house. Jim left someGauloises when he stayed, but they’re so strong we threw them away.’
    ‘And that friend of yours left some Silk Cut, but they’re too weak.’
    ‘We were in Brazil last year and the health warnings out there are apocalyptic. Colour pictures on the packet of hideous things – deformed babies, pickled lungs and stuff. And the warnings … None of that polite “Her Majesty’s Government” stuff. Or “The Surgeon-General has determined”. They tell you which bits will drop off. There was this guy who went into a shop and bought a packet of … I forget which brand. And he comes out, looks at the health warning, goes back in, hands the packet back and says, “These ones make you impotent. Can I have a packet that gives me cancer?”’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘Well, I thought it was funny.’
    ‘Perhaps you’ve told them the story before, darling.’
    ‘The buggers could still laugh. It’s my wine they’re drinking.’
    ‘It was more the way you told it, Phil. Need to tighten the narrative.’
    ‘Bastard.’
    ‘I think we’ve got some grass someone left.’
    ‘Have we?’
    ‘Yes, in the fridge door.’
    ‘Where in the fridge door?’
    ‘The shelf with the parmesan and the tomato paste.’
    ‘Who left it?’
    ‘Can’t remember. It must be quite old. Probably lost its jizz by now.’
    ‘Does it lose its jizz?’
    ‘Everything loses its jizz.’
    ‘Presidential candidates?’
    ‘Them more than anyone.’
    ‘I offered it to Doreena.’
    ‘Who’s Doreena?’
    ‘Our cleaner.’
    ‘Doreena the Cleaner. Are you having us on?’
    ‘You offered it to Doreena ?’
    ‘Sure. Is it against the Employment Act or something? Anyway, she didn’t want it. Said she didn’t do that stuff any more.’
    ‘Christ, what’s the world coming to when one’s cleaner refuses an offer of free drugs?’
    ‘Of course, we know cigarettes are more addictive than anything. Alcohol, soft drugs, hard drugs. More addictive than heroin.’
    ‘Do we know that?’
    ‘Well, I read it in the paper. Cigarettes top of the list.’
    ‘Then we know it.’
    ‘More addictive than power?’
    ‘Now there’s the question.’
    ‘We also know – but not from the papers – that all smokers are liars.’
    ‘So you’re calling us all ex-liars?’
    ‘Yup. And I’m one too.’
    ‘Are you going to be more specific?’
    ‘You lie to your parents when you take it up. You lie about how many you smoke – either under or over. Oh, I’m a four-pack-a-day man, like I’ve got the biggest cock. Or, Oh, we only have one occasionally. That means three a day, minimum. Then you lie about it when you try to give up. And you lie to your doctor when you get cancer. Oh, I never smoked that much.’
    ‘Bit hard-line.’
    ‘True, though. Sue and I used to cheat on one another.’
    ‘Dav- id .’
    ‘I only mean about cigarettes, sweetie. “I just had one at lunchtime.” And “No, the others were smoking, that’s what you can smell.” We both did that.’
    ‘So vote for the non-smoker. Vote Hillary.’
    ‘Too late. Anyway, I think smokers just lie about smoking. Like drinkers just lie about drinking.’
    ‘That’s not true. I’ve