Pulse

don’t know what I’m saying.’
    ‘I don’t think he would have shaken hands. Being king.’
    ‘Here’s a serious question. Obama, McCain, Clinton: which of the three of them was the last to smoke?’
    ‘Bill or Hillary?’
    ‘Hillary, of course.’
    ‘Because we all remember Bill’s use of a cigar.’
    ‘Yes, but did he smoke it afterwards?’
    ‘Or keep it in a special humidor like she kept the dress?’
    ‘He could auction it to pay Hillary’s campaign debts.’
    ‘McCain must have smoked when he was a POW.’
    ‘Obama must have had a joint or two.’
    ‘I bet Hillary never inhaled.’
    ‘By their smoking shall ye know them.’
    ‘Actually – as your token American present – Obama used to be a big smoker. Took to Nicorettes when he decided to run. But – fallen off the wagon, I hear.’
    ‘That’s my man.’
    ‘Would anyone care if one of them did something bad in that line? And got photographed?’
    ‘It would depend on the quality and nature of the contrition.’
    ‘Like Hugh Grant after getting a blow job in his car.’
    ‘Now she inhaled.’
    ‘ Dick , stop it. Remove that bottle from in front of him.’
    ‘“The quality and nature of the contrition” – I like that.’
    ‘Not that Bush apologised for having been a cokehead.’
    ‘Well, he wasn’t endangering others.’
    ‘Course he was.’
    ‘You mean, like passive smoking? I don’t think there’s passive coke-inhalation, is there?’
    ‘Not unless you sneeze.’
    ‘So there are no harmful effects on others?’
    ‘Apart from them having to listen to tediously self-excited conversation.’
    ‘ Actually …’
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘If Bush was, as they say, an alkie and a cokehead in his former existence, then that would help explain his presidency.’
    ‘You mean, brain damage?’
    ‘No, the absolutism of the recovering addict.’
    ‘You are coming out with the phrases tonight.’
    ‘Well, it’s my trade.’
    ‘The absolutism of the recovering addict. Sorry about that, Baghdad.’
    ‘So what we’re saying is, it does make a difference what they smoked.’
    ‘Cigars used to make me mellow.’
    ‘Cigarettes used to give me such a high sometimes, my legs would tingle.’
    ‘Oh, I remember that.’
    ‘I knew someone who would set an alarm clock so he could wake up and have one in the middle of the night.’
    ‘Who was that, sweetie?’
    ‘Before your time.’
    ‘I should bloody well hope so.’
    ‘Anyone see that thing in the paper about Macmillan?’
    ‘The cancer charity?’
    ‘No, the prime minister. When he was Chancellor of theExchequer. ’55, ’56, something like that. A report came in making the link between smoking and cancer. Oh fuck, he thought, where’s the money going to come from if we have to ban fags? Three and six in the pound extra on income tax, or whatever. Then he looked at the figures. I mean, the mortality figures. Life expectancy for a smoker: seventy-three years. Life expectancy for a non-smoker: seventy-four.’
    ‘Is that true?’
    ‘That’s what it said. So Macmillan wrote on the report: “Treasury think revenue interest outweighs this.”’
    ‘It’s the hypocrisy I can’t stand.’
    ‘Did Macmillan smoke?’
    ‘Pipe and cigarettes.’
    ‘One year. One year’s difference. It’s amazing when you think about it.’
    ‘Maybe we should all take it up again. Just round this table. Secret defiance of a PC world.’
    ‘Why shouldn’t people smoke themselves to death? If you only lose a year.’
    ‘Not forgetting the hideous pain and suffering before you get to be the dying seventy-three-year-old.’
    ‘Reagan advertised Chesterfields, didn’t he? Or was it Lucky Strike?’
    ‘What’s that got to do with it?’
    ‘It must have something to do with it.’
    ‘It’s the hypocrisy I can’t stand.’
    ‘You keep saying that.’
    ‘Well, it is. That’s why I do. Governments telling people it’s bad for them while living off the tax. Cigarette companies knowing it’s bad for people and selling their stuff to the Third World because of getting sued here.’
    ‘Developing World, not Third World. We don’t say that any more.’
    ‘The Developing-Cancer World.’
    ‘Not to mention the Humphrey Bogart thing. Rememberwhen they wanted to put him on a stamp and he was smoking in the photo so they airbrushed it out? In case people were sticking a stamp on a letter and saw Bogey smoking and suddenly thought: well, that looks like a good idea.’
    ‘They’ll probably