Redshirts

Hartnell. Statistically speaking there’s something highly aberrant about them. When they’re on an away mission, the chance of the mission experiencing a critical failure increases. When two or more of them are on the same away mission, the chance of a critical failure increases exponentially. If three or more are on the mission, it’s almost certain someone is going to die.”
    “But never any of them, ” Hanson said.
    “That’s right,” Jenkins said. “Sure, Kerensky gets the shit kicked out of him on a regular basis. Even the other four are occasionally knocked around. But death? Not for them. Never for them.”
    “And none of this is normal,” Dahl prompted.
    “Of course not!” Jenkins said. He flipped up pictures of the five officers, with graphs behind them. “Each of them has experienced exponentially higher fatality rates on away missions than any other officers in the same positions on other ships. That’s across the entire fleet, and across the entire existence of the fleet, back to the formation of the Dub U nearly two hundred years ago. You have to go back to the blue water fleets for the same types of fatalities, and even the officers themselves didn’t escape mortality. Captains and senior officers were dropping dead all the time.”
    “That’s what scurvy and plague will do,” Hester said.
    “It’s not just scurvy, ” Jenkins said, and waved at the officers’ pictures. “Officers die today too, you know. Having rank changes mortality patterns somewhat but doesn’t eliminate them. Statistically speaking, all five of these guys should be dead two or three times over. Maybe one or two of them would have survived all the experiences they’ve had so far. But all five of them? The odds are better that one of them would get struck by lightning.”
    “Which they would survive,” Finn said.
    “But not the crewman next to him,” Duvall said.
    “Now you’re getting it,” Jenkins said.
    “So what you’re saying is all this is impossible,” Dahl said.
    Jenkins shook his head. “Nothing’s impossible,” he said. “But some things are pretty damned unlikely. This is one of them.”
    “How unlikely?” Dahl asked.
    “In all my research there’s only one spaceship I’ve found that has even remotely the same sort of statistical patterns for away missions,” Jenkins said. He rummaged through the graphic elements again, and then threw one onto the screen. They all stared at it.
    Duvall frowned. “I don’t recognize this ship,” she said. “And I thought I knew every type of ship we had. Is this a Dub U ship?”
    “Not exactly,” Jenkins said. “It’s from the United Federation of Planets.”
    Duvall blinked and focused her attention back at Jenkins. “Who are they?” she asked.
    “They don’t exist,” Jenkins said, and pointed back at the ship. “And neither does this. This is the starship Enterprise . It’s fictional. It was on a science fictional drama series. And so are we.”
    *   *   *
    “Okay,” Finn said, after a moment. “I don’t know about anyone else here, but I’m ready to label this guy officially completely fucking insane .”
    Jenkins looked over to Dahl. “I told you it would sound insane,” he said. He waved at the display. “But here are the stats.”
    “The stats show that there’s something screwed up with this ship,” Finn said. “It doesn’t suggest we’re stars in a fucked-up science fiction show.”
    “I never said you were the stars, ” Jenkins said. He pointed at the floating images of Abernathy, Q’eeng, Kerensky, West and Hartnell. “ They’re the stars. You’re extras.”
    “Perfect,” Finn said, and stood up. “Thank you so much for wasting my time. I’m going to get some sleep now.”
    “Wait,” Dahl said.
    “‘Wait’? Seriously, Andy?” Finn said. “I know you’ve been obsessed with this for a while now, but there’s being on the edge and then there’s going all the way over the edge, and our hairy friend here is so far over the edge that the edge doesn’t even know him anymore.”
    “You know how I hate to agree with Finn,” Hester said. “But I do. This isn’t right. It’s not even wrong.”
    Dahl looked at Duvall. “I’m voting for nuts, too, Andy,” she said. “Sorry.”
    “Jimmy?” Dahl asked, looking at Hanson.
    “Well, he’s definitely nuts,” Hanson said. “But he thinks he’s telling the truth.”
    “Of course he does! That’s why he’s nuts, ” Finn