Redshirts

other writer. She’s Denise Hogan. And in order to describe our “conversation,” I’m going to use a format I’m used to.
    INT. COFFEE SHOP — CORNER TABLE — DAY
    Two people are sitting at the table, coffees in hand, the remains of muffins on the table. They are ANON-A-WRITER and DENISE HOGAN. They have been talking for an hour as ANON-A-WRITER has described his crisis to DENISE in detail.
    DENISE
    That’s really a very interesting situation you’ve gotten yourself into.
    ANON-A-WRITER
    “Interesting” isn’t the word I would use for it. “Magnificently screwed” is the phrase I would use.
    DENISE
    Yes, that would work, too.
    AW
    But this has happened to you too, right?
    When you write the characters in your novels, they are always arguing with you and ignoring how you want the plot to go and running off and doing their own thing. It’s your trademark. You write it like it actually happens.
    DENISE
    (gently)
    Well, I think we need to have some definition of terms on this.
    AW
    (draws back)
    Definition of terms? That sounds like code for “No, it doesn’t actually happen to me that way, you crazy crazy person.”
    DENISE
    (beat)
    AW, may I be honest with you?
    AW
    Considering what I just splashed out to you over the last hour? Yes, would you, please.
    DENISE
    I’m here because I read your blog.
    AW
    I don’t have a blog.
    DENISE
    You don’t have one under your actual name. You have one as Anon-a-Writer.
    AW
    (beat)
    Oh. Oh, shit .
    DENISE
    (holds up hands)
    Relax, I’m not here to out you.
    AW
    Fuck!
    (gets up, thinks about leaving, shuffles back and forth for a moment, sits back down)
    How did you find it?
    DENISE
    How anyone with an ego finds anything on the Internet. I have a Google alert tied to my name.
    AW
    (runs hands through hair)
    Fucking Google, man.
    DENISE
    I clicked through to see if it was some sort of feature piece on writers who break the fourth wall and then I saw what your blog was really about, and I put it into my RSS feed. I knew you were going to contact me before you sent your e-mail.
    AW
    You’re not actually in town to see your film agent.
    DENISE
    Well, no. I had lunch with him today, and we did talk about that Paramount thing. But I called him after I got your e-mail and told him I was going to be in town. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him why else I was here.
    AW
    So your characters aren’t actually alive and talking to you.
    DENISE
    Other than the usual thing writers mean about making their characters come alive, no.
    AW
    Swell.
    (stands up again)
    Thank you for wasting a large portion of my day. Nice to meet you.
    DENISE
    But you and I have something in common.
    AW
    Besides the wasted afternoon?
    DENISE
    (crossly)
    Look, I didn’t come here to get a close-up look at a freak show. I already have my first husband for that. I came here because I think I understand your situation better than you think. I had writer’s block too. A bad one.
    AW
    How bad?
    DENISE
    More than a year. Bad enough for you?
    AW
    Maybe.
    DENISE
    I think I can help you with yours. Because whether I believe you or not about your characters being actually real, I think my own writer’s block situation is close to what yours is now.
    AW
    If you don’t believe what I’m saying, I don’t see how your situation could be like mine.
    DENISE
    Because we both had characters we’re scared to do anything with.
    AW
    (sits back down, warily)
    Go on.
    DENISE
    For whatever reason, you have characters you’re scared of killing or hurting, and it’s blocking you. For me, I had characters who I couldn’t make do anything critical. I would push them to a crisis point in my stories, but when it came time for them to pull the trigger—to do something significant—I could never get them to do it. I’d devise all these ways to get them out of the holes I spent chapters putting them into. The way I was doing wasn’t good. Finally I froze up completely. I just couldn’t write.
    AW
    But that’s about you —
    DENISE
    (holds up hand)
    Wait, I’m not done. Finally, one day as I was sitting in front of my laptop, doing nothing with my characters, I typed one of them turning to me as the writer and saying, “Would you just fucking make up your mind already? No? Fine. I’ll do it, then.” And then he did something I didn’t expect—that I wasn’t even wanting him to do—and when he did it, it was like a huge flood of possibilities broke through the dam of my writer’s block. My character did what I