Redshirts

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    The software is not the problem. The problem is that every time I write I kill someone . If you’re going to try to help, don’t suggest a particular brand of sprinkler after the house is already on fire. Grab a hose.
    Related to this:
    I believe everything you say and I think we should meet so we can discuss this in detail possibly in my SECRET BASEMENT LAIR AT MY MOM’S HOUSE WHERE I LIVE.
    Oooooh, man. That’s another reason to remain safely anonymous, isn’t it.
    So now that the Q&A session is done, does anyone actually have help for me? Please?
    AW
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    Finally! An actual good idea from a comment, which I will now replicate in full:
    In your last post you mentioned some movies and books in which the line between the creator and the created had been broken (or at least smudged) in some way. Have you considered that perhaps the people who wrote those movies and books might have had experiences similar to yours? It’s possible that they have, and just haven’t ever talked about it for the same reason you’re trying to stay anonymous, which is, it sounds completely crazy. But if you approached them and your experience is similar to theirs, maybe they would talk to you in confidence. The fact you actually are a screenwriter of some note might keep them from fleeing in terror, at least at first.
    The “at least at first” bit is a nice touch, thank you. And I’m glad you have the delusion that a scriptwriter on a weekly basic cable series has any sort of credibility. It warms my heart.
    But to answer your question, no, it didn’t occur to me at all, because, well, it’s nuts, isn’t it. And we live in the really real world, where stuff like this doesn’t happen. But on the other hand, it happened to me, and—no offense to me—I’m not all that special, either as a writer or a human being.
    So: I have to admit that it’s entirely possible that what’s happened to me has happened to others. And if it has happened to others, then it’s entirely possible they’ve found some way to deal with it that doesn’t involve not writing anymore. And that’s the goal here. And now I have a plan: Contact those writers and find out if they’ve got a secret experience like mine.
    Which sounds perfectly reasonable until you think about what that actually means. To give you an idea, let me present to you a quick, one-act play entitled Anon-a-Writer Presents His Conundrum to Someone Who Is Not the Internet :
    ANON-A-WRITER
    Hello! I have been visited by characters from my scripts who inform me that I kill them whenever I write an action scene. Does this happen to you too?
    OTHER WRITER
    Hello, Anon-a-Writer! In one hand I have a restraining order, and in the other I have a Taser. Which would you like to meet first?
    Yes, I see no way that this perfect plan could ever go wrong.
    But on the other hand I don’t have a better plan, do I. So here’s what I’m going to do:
    Make a list of writers whose characters break the reality wall one way or another.
    Contact them and find out if it’s based on their actual real-world experience, without coming across like a psychotic freakbag.
    Profit! Okay, not profit, but if their work is based on their real-life experiences, find out from them a way to keep writing.
    Off to craft introductions that don’t sound too creepy. Wish me luck.
    AW
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    Guys, seriously now: Stop trying to guess which show I work for. I’m just not going to tell you. Because I don’t want to get fired . Which is what happens when people like me talk about their jobs to people like you, i.e., the Internet. And especially when people like me are claiming their characters are coming to life and talking to them. I know it’s good fun for you to be guessing, but, come on. A little charity, please. I promise you that after this is all done, if everything works out, I’ll tell you. Say, in five years. Or after I win an Emmy. Whichever comes first (bet on five years).
    Okay? Okay. Thank you.
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    Hello, Internet. You’re wanting updates. Well, here we go. I’ve identified some creative types who have written stories similar to my situation, including those we mentioned here earlier: Woody Allen, for Purple Rose of Cairo, Jasper Fforde, Zak Penn and Adam Leff ( Last Action Hero ), Zach Helm ( Stranger than Fiction ) and Denise Hogan. The plan here is to approach them credits first—to at least suggest I’m not completely insane—and then to ask them in a