Science of Discworld III

Quickly, man. I want this all wrapped up by dinnertime!’
    A moment after Ponder and Darwin left, a small boulder and quite a lot of sand appeared and slid across the tiles of the Great Hall.
    ‘Well done, Mr Hex,’ said Ridcully.
    +++ Thank you, Archchancellor +++ Hex wrote.
    ‘I was kind of hoping we’d get the chairs back, though.’
    +++ I will see what I can do next time, Archchancellor +++
    And on Mono Island, Charles Darwin picked himself up from the beach and stared around.
    ‘Does this lend itself to any rational explanation, or is it more madness?’ he said to Ponder. ‘I have cut my hand quite badly!’
    At which point two little leaves pushed themselves out of the ground near his foot and, with amazing speed, became a plant. It threw up more leaves, then developed a single red flower which opened like an explosion and died like a spark to produce one single seed, which was white and fluffy.
    ‘Oh, a bandage plant,’ said Ponder, picking it. ‘Here you are, sir.’
    ‘How—’ Darwin began.
    ‘It just understood what you needed, sir,’ said Ponder, leading the way. ‘This is Mono Island, the home of the God of Evolution.’
    ‘A god of evolution?’ said Darwin, stumbling after him. ‘But evolution is a process inherent in—’
    ‘Ye – yes, I know what you’re thinking, sir. But things are different here. There is a god of evolution and he … improves things. That’s why we think everything here is desperate to get off the island, poor creatures. Somehow they know what you want and evolve as fast as they can in the hope you’ll pick them to take away.’
    ‘That is not possible! Evolution needs many thousands of years to—’
    ‘Pencil,’ said Ponder, calmly. A tree nearby shivered.
    ‘Actually, the pencil bush breeds true in the right soil,’ Ponder went on, walking over to it. ‘We’ve got some of these at the University. And the Chair of Indefinite Studies kept a cigarette tree going for months, but they got very tarry. Once most of them get far enough away from Mono Island they stop trying.’ He held one out. ‘Would you like a ripe pencil? They’re quite useful.’
    Darwin took the slim cylinder Ponder had plucked from the tree. It was warm, and still slightly moist.
    ‘This is Mono Island, you see,’ said Ponder, and pointed to the small mountain at the far end of the island. ‘Up there is where the god lives. Not a bad old boy, as gods go, but he will keep changing things all the time. When we met him he—’
    The bushes rustled, and Ponder dragged the bemused Darwin aside as something rattled down the path.
    ‘That’s a giant tortoise!’ said Darwin, as it trundled past. ‘That at least is something – oh!’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘It’s on wheels!’
    ‘Oh, yes. He’s very keen on wheels. He thinks wheels should work.’
    The tortoise turned quite professionally and rolled to a halt by a cactus, which it proceeded to eat, daintily, until there was a hiss and it sagged sideways.
    ‘Oh,’ said a voice from the air. ‘Bad luck. Tyre bladder punctured. It’s the everlasting problem of the strength of the integument versus the usage rate of the mucus.’
    A skinny, rather preoccupied man, dressed in a grubby toga, appeared between the two of them. Beetles orbited him like wonderful little asteroids.
    ‘Deposition of metal may be our friend here,’ he said, and turning to Ponder as if to another old friend he went on: ‘What do you think?’
    ‘Ah, um, er … do you really need all that shell?’ said Ponder, hurriedly. Beetles, bright as tiny galaxies, landed on his robe.
    ‘I know what you mean,’ said the old man. ‘Too heavy, perhaps? Oh … you seem familiar, young man. Have we met before?’
    ‘Ponder Stibbons, sir. I was here a few years ago. With some wizards,’ said Ponder, with care. He’d quite admired the God of Evolution, until he’d found that the god considered the cockroach to be the peak of the evolutionary pyramid.
    ‘Ah, yes. You had to leave in such a hurry, I recall,’ said the god, sadly. ‘It was—’
    ‘You! … you appeared in my room!’ said Darwin, who’d been staring at the god with his mouth open. ‘There were beetles everywhere!’ He stopped, his mouth opening and shutting for a while. ‘But you certainly are not … I thought you—’
    Ponder was ready for this.
    ‘You know about Olympus, sir?’ he said quickly.
    ‘What? This is Greece? ’ said Darwin.
    ‘No, sir, but we’ve got lots of gods here.