Shame

disliked using the telephone, soon there would be no other alternative; she had to ring the office and get this girl replaced. She had never had to do that before. They had always seen fit to leave on their own.
    The thought of a mandatory telephone conversation made her even angrier.
    ‘Maybe you should apply to join them. With those clothes you wouldn’t even have to change.’
    It was quiet for a moment, and Maj-Britt kept watching the TV.
    ‘Why would you say something like that?’
    It was hard to tell whether she sounded angry or sad, and Maj-Britt went on.
    ‘If you ever passed by a mirror and glanced at yourself then you wouldn’t have to ask such a dumb question.’
    ‘So what’s wrong with my clothes, in your opinion?’
    ‘What clothes? I haven’t worn my glasses in so long that unfortunately I haven’t been able to see any.’
    It was quiet again. Maj-Britt would have liked to see if her words had hit home, but refrained. On the TV the credits had begun to roll. The programme was sponsored by NorLevo, a morning-after pill supplier.
    ‘Can I ask you one thing?’
    Ellinor’s voice sounded different now.
    Maj-Britt sighed.
    ‘I have a hard time believing that I could actually stop you.’
    ‘Do you enjoy being so mean, or is it only because you feel you’re such a failure?’
    Maj-Britt felt to her dismay that she was blushing. This was outrageous. No one had ever talked back to her before. Nobody had dared. And to presume that she regarded herself as a failure was an insult that could get this loathsome little person sacked.
    Maj-Britt turned up the volume with the remote. She had absolutely no reason to reply to an insult.
    ‘I’m proud of my body and I don’t think there’s any reason to try and hide it. I think I look great in this shirt, if that’s what’s making you so upset.’
    Maj-Britt still didn’t shift her gaze from the TV.
    ‘Well, it’s up to you whether you want to walk around looking like a whore.’
    ‘Right. Just like it’s up to each of us to decide whether to lock ourselves in a flat and try to eat ourselves to death. But that doesn’t mean that a person has no brain. Or what do you think?’
    That was the last thing either of them said that day. And it annoyed Maj-Britt to bursting point that Ellinor had had the last word.
    As soon as she was alone she called the pizza delivery.

    Six days had passed since she sent her reply. Six days to let her feeling of repugnance slowly but surely fade away; or at least it no longer bothered her more than she could stand. She had enough to think about with being annoyed at Ellinor. But then one morning she again heard a noise in her useless letter basket, and before the flap on the letter-box snapped shut she knew that it was another letter from Vanja. She could feel it through the whole flat; she didn’t even have to go to the door to have it confirmed.
    She let the letter lie there, and avoided looking towards the door when she passed by in the hall. But then Ellinor arrived, of course, and beaming with happiness she stuck it right under Maj-Britt’s nose.
    ‘Look! You’ve got a letter!’
    She didn’t want to touch it. Ellinor put it on the table in the living room, and there it lay while Ellinor cleaned and Maj-Britt sat silently in the easy chair, pretending it wasn’t there.
    ‘Aren’t you going to read it?’
    ‘Why’s that? Do you want to know what’s in it?’
    Ellinor kept cleaning and exchanged a few words with Saba instead. The poor beast couldn’t escape, and Maj-Britt saw her quietly lying there, suffering.
    Maj-Britt got up and headed towards the bathroom.
    ‘Does your back hurt?’
    Would this person never learn to shut up?
    ‘Why?’
    ‘I just noticed you grimacing and putting your hand there. Maybe it’s something a doctor should have a look at.’
    Never in her life!
    ‘Why don’t you just see about finishing the cleaning here and then pack up and leave. Then you’ll see how much better my back will feel.’
    She locked the bathroom door behind her and stayed in there until she was sure that the unpleasant little person had gone.
    But her back did hurt, she couldn’t deny it. The pain was always there, and it had been more pronounced lately. But never in her life would she consider undressing and letting herself be examined by someone who would touch her body.

    The letter lay there. For days and nights, consuming every molecule of oxygen in the flat and making Maj-Britt long to get