Shame

pulled up the covers to hide herself. The humiliation burned like fire. The feeling of nakedness overwhelmed her and she knew that she was blushing. It hadn’t worked. The trick that always worked on the others had, as usual, not worked on Ellinor. Instead of gaining power and a safe distance, Maj-Britt had revealed her greatest shame, exposing herself and how wretched she was.
    ‘Don’t you have some lotion we can use? That must really, really hurt.’
    Ellinor’s agitation was unmistakable; Maj-Britt swallowed and pulled the covers further up. She was defending herself from Ellinor’s gaze, and felt just as vulnerable as she had that time when …
    This vague sensation dissolved and vanished into whiteness. But something had approached and she was suddenly having a hard time breathing.
    ‘Why didn’t you say something? You must have had that for quite a while.’
    Maj-Britt reached for the letter while trying to hide her naked arm as best she could under the covers.
    ‘If we don’t do something about this you’re going to end up with open wounds. Please, Maj-Britt, let me take another look.’
    This was unheard of. Not on her life! Never ever would she think of exposing herself to this person who didn’t have the sense to keep her distance. Ellinor and Vanja. It seemed like the whole world had suddenly ganged up on her, had decided to break in and come after her at any cost.
    ‘Get out of here and leave me in peace! I’m trying to write a letter and you’re bothering me!’
    Ellinor stood in silence for a while, looking at her. Maj-Britt kept her eyes fixed on the letter she was writing. Then she heard a little snort and, out of the corner of her eye, saw Ellinor back out of the room. Saba was still standing there but only for a moment; then she too turned her back on Maj-Britt and followed Ellinor.
    Considering that you slaughtered your entire family and are sitting in prison for life, I don’t really think I have any obligation to read your sick speculations! Your letters are disturbing and I say no thanks to any more letters from you. My family and I only want one thing – to be left in peace!!!!

    Maj-Britt Pettersson

    She wrote the address and without reading through what she had written she licked the envelope and sealed it. The sounds of Ellinor’s movements in the flat were hard and angry, and it wasn’t long before she appeared in the doorway again.
    ‘I’ve put the food away in the fridge.’
    She was clearly irritated.
    ‘But I only bought meat, as you asked.’
    Then she vanished again. Starting banging about with buckets and the vacuum cleaner, doing her duties. And Maj-Britt stayed in bed and realised that Ellinor had met her halfway yet again. Risking her job by ignoring all the regulations to please her. Maj-Britt covered her face with her hands. There was nowhere to flee to any longer. Her sanctuary had been invaded.

    Suddenly, Ellinor was standing in the bedroom doorway. Maj-Britt had heard the front door open and, after a brief pause, close again. When the footsteps approached she had heart palpitations. Ellinor came over and sat down on the edge of the bed, down by Maj-Britt’s feet where there was a little spot free. Saba left her basket and went up to her.
    ‘My big brother was born with no arms. When we were little, I don’t think it occurred to any of us that he was different, it was just natural because he had always been that way. Mamma and Pappa didn’t make a big deal of it either. Obviously they were shocked when he was born, but they always made the best of the situation. He was the world’s best big brother. Jesus, what games he could think up.’
    Ellinor petted Saba on the head and smiled.
    ‘It wasn’t until he was a teenager that he understood how different he was. Like when he fell in love the first time and realised that he couldn’t compete with boys who had arms and were like all the others. Who were “normal”.’
    Her fingers left Saba’s neck and made a gesture in the air to indicate what she thought of the word ‘normal’.
    ‘My brother is one of those guys that all girls dream of meeting. Funny … smart … kind. He has a sense of humour and an imagination like no one I’ve ever met, arms or not. But then as a teenager there were no girls that even saw him, they just saw the space where his arms should have been, and eventually he did too.’
    Maj-Britt pulled the covers up to her chin and hoped that this strange confession that