Shame

agreement all round the table, because everyone seemed to have small children who changed quite a bit in just a few days. Only Åse felt otherwise.
    ‘I thought it was really great to get away from home for a while now and then when my kids were little. Just to be allowed to sleep through a whole night! But now that they’re grown, I miss the sound of those little feet in the night.’
    Åse had told Monika about her kids. A grown son and daughter who were the pride of her existence. The son had been born with no arms, and she had described her conflicting feelings after the delivery, and then her joy at the wonderful ability of children to adapt to any situation. Now that son had given her two grandchildren.
    Monika took a gulp of wine and leaned back. She was missing Thomas. She shut off the noise around her and savoured the feeling. It was great to have a reason to feel this kind of longing. Her whole life she had hoped that someday she would have a chance to yearn like this. And now she finally did.
    She suddenly realised that Mattias was talking to her.
    ‘Excuse me, what did you say? I was somewhere else there.’
    He smiled.
    ‘I could see that. But it looked like it was a nice place, so don’t let me disturb you.’
    As if he hadn’t disturbed her enough already. She felt instinctively that she didn’t want to talk to him, but on the other hand she didn’t want to seem uninteresting. If she were forced into a conversation now, it would have to be about something neutral.
    ‘What kind of work do you do?’
    There was almost a cloud of dust around that question, it was so boring, but Mattias wasn’t about to be scared off.
    ‘I’ve just started a new job as head of personnel for a large sporting goods store, not one of those big chains but an independent one. I’ve never been a boss before, so that’s why they sent me to this course.’
    He grinned.
    ‘Not that I think it was actually necessary, since we only have six employees, but the owner of the store is a friend of mine, and he knows how bad our finances have been since Pernilla’s accident. You know, the part I mentioned about not having any health insurance.’
    She wanted to say something appropriate about how happy she was for his sake, but she wasn’t going to lie anymore. Instead she said something about insurance companies in general, and he picked up on it right away and they were off on an interesting diversion. No matter how much she wanted to deny it, she had to admit that he was a very entertaining table companion, and for the next hour she had a great time, and she even laughed a few times. And how he talked about his wife! So full of love and loyalty – not ten minutes would pass during the conversation before he would mention her again. Quite naturally, she supposed, since she was part of his life. Monika wondered whether Thomas would ever talk about her in this way – whether she would ever be such a central part of his life, so natural and self-evident. Mattias told her about the difficult years after the accident, how it had brought them even closer together. With a laugh he told about how they tried to fill the emptiness left by their great passion for diving. How they tried one hobby after another, but since they couldn’t afford to spend any money the choice was rather limited. He laughed the most when he described their brave attempts to take up birdwatching. How, after a day in a bush with only a magpie and two wagtails on their list, they were forced to admit that telling the anecdote would probably be more fun than ever doing it again. Later, in library books, Pernilla began reading about the history of Sweden, and after a while her interest in the topic became so intense that he began to think it was becoming obsessive. With a smile he confessed that she had also become a little too interested in Gustav II Adolf and the rest of those historical characters, but that it was probably all right because at least it didn’t strain her back. And he told her how happy he was about his new job, which would finally make manageable the debts incurred during Pernilla’s rehabilitation, not to mention the ongoing expense for all the chiropractors and masseuses that were necessary to alleviate her pain.

    Someone clinking a glass brought all the conversations to a halt, and all eyes scanned the room for the source of the sound. The course leader had stood up.
    ‘I just wanted to check that we’re all gathered together. I