Shame

betrayed her too, Pernilla would be utterly alone.

28
    M aj-Britt was standing by the balcony door waiting for Saba to come back inside. The dog had just squeezed out through the gap in the balcony railing and vanished from view down on the lawn.
    Maj-Britt had shoved the easy chair over next to the window and had spent most of the past two days sitting there, but nothing very exciting had happened outside. The doctor had visited the widow once. The same day she had seen Maj-Britt and done her disgusting examination, she had shown up again towards evening, but after that she had not put in an appearance. She hadn’t called about the test results either, but that didn’t make much difference. Ellinor was the one who was waiting impatiently.
    Maj-Britt herself experienced the respite as mostly pleasant. The tablets that Ellinor had picked up relieved the pain, and as long as she didn’t hear any news there were really no decisions to be made. She stayed right there in the flat doing what she always did, sitting from one silence to the next. The only thing that was different was that the pain in her back was better, and she wasn’t eating so much anymore. It wasn’t merely the nausea that stopped her. The urge to stuff something in her mouth had been checked, and it was suddenly easy to refrain although she didn’t really understand why. Something had retreated when she dared follow all her thoughts to their conclusion. When she approached all the intolerable memories and recognised their repulsiveness, she no longer had to hide from them. Didn’t have to flee. They still hurt just as much as she had always known they did, deep inside, and now that she acknowledged it, they couldn’t scare her anymore. They were losing their power.
    She saw Ellinor coming along the walkway down below. It looked cold outside. Her midriff was bare between her jersey and trousers, and Maj-Britt shook her head. That thin denim jacket wasn’t enough for this time of year. But it was apparent that all those little self-assured plastic buttons that decorated it might have stopped the worst of the cold from penetrating. She saw Saba lumber across the lawn to meet her, and Ellinor looked up at the balcony door and waved. Maj-Britt waved back. And she felt something warm inside.

    ‘She’s going to come by at two. She said nothing about test results or anything else, but wanted to talk to you in person.’
    Ellinor was squatting and untying her boots as she talked. Maj-Britt felt a momentary loathing at the thought of letting that doctor in her flat again, but then she remembered her hold on her and it felt a little better. If you knew where you had each other, everything was so much easier. As long as neither person had the upper hand. That doctor might hold the answers to the mysteries of her body, and she could easily make use of that, but if she did, Maj-Britt had made sure she possessed adequate countermeasures.
    No one would ever be allowed to do anything to her again unless she gave her express permission.

    It was only a few minutes until two o’clock. Maj-Britt took her place in the easy chair with a view of the parking area, but she hadn’t seen anything of the car when the doorbell rang, strangely enough. This was a little miscalculation that she didn’t care for, the fact that she hadn’t sufficiently prepared herself.
    Ellinor went and opened the door.
    ‘Hello, how nice of you to come by.’
    The doctor replied briefly, and a minute later Maj-Britt had both of them in the living room. She noticed that the doctor had something in her hand that looked like a small grey briefcase with a cord and some knobs on it.
    ‘Hello, Maj-Britt.’
    Maj-Britt gave the apparatus in her hand a suspicious glance.
    ‘What’s that?’
    ‘Could I sit down for a moment?’
    Maj-Britt nodded and the doctor – no way was she going to call her Monika – sat down on the sofa, placing the strange object on the table in front of her. She took some papers out of her handbag. Maj-Britt didn’t take her eyes off her, registering every little movement. She observed with interest that the papers in her hand were shaking a bit.
    ‘So, here it is.’
    The doctor unfolded the papers. Ellinor was watching her attentively. Maj-Britt turned and looked towards the window instead. She really did not feel particularly interested.
    ‘Your sedimentation rate is abnormally high, and your blood count is quite low. The sample showed no bacteria in the