Shame

urine, and I found none after culturing either, so we can definitely rule out any infection in the urinary tract. A kidney stone was another thought I had, but then the pain would have come more suddenly, and besides it wouldn’t affect the sedimentation rate.’
    She paused and Maj-Britt kept her eyes on the swings outside. What she did not suffer from was even less interesting to her.
    ‘So I’m healthy then?’
    ‘No, you’re not.’
    There was a brief pause when everything was still safe.
    ‘I need to do an ultrasound.’
    Still on her guard, Maj-Britt turned her head and met the doctor’s gaze.
    ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
    ‘No, we can do it here.’
    The doctor placed her hand on the apparatus on the table. Maj-Britt felt trapped. She had made up her mind not to go through any more examinations. Her refusal to leave the flat should have taken care of that, but now this doctor had dragged in equipment that would make it possible. What bad luck.
    ‘And what if I refuse?’
    ‘Maj-Britt!’
    It was Ellinor. The boundary between entreaty and exasperation was gone.
    Maj-Britt looked out the window again.
    ‘What do you think you might find with this ultrasound?’
    It was Ellinor asking about the details that Maj-Britt herself had absolutely no interest in, and the two women began to discuss her possible ailment.
    ‘I’m not sure, of course, but I need to take a look at her kidneys.’
    ‘What do you think it might be?’
    Again there was a pause, but all sense of calm was now gone. It was as if the word already lay quivering in the room, before it had even been uttered. Floating in one last moment of innocence.
    ‘It might be a tumour. But as I said,’ she added quickly, ‘I’m not one hundred percent certain.’
    A tumour. Cancer. That was a word she had heard on TV many times and it had never passed by entirely unnoticed. But at that moment she realised that when something was mentioned that might possibly exist in her own body, then it felt considerably different. Then the word came alive, transformed into an image of something black and evil inside. It was almost possible to imagine a monster living inside her that swallowed everything in its path and kept growing bigger.
    And yet she was not particularly afraid. It was more as if yet another thought she had not dared follow to its conclusion had finally been confirmed. Because why shouldn’t her body have cancer? It would be its last triumph over her futile, lifelong resistance. Lying in ambush and nourishing a growth in order to take its revenge once and for all, to conquer her.
    And she realised that she had to know.
    ‘How is such a procedure done?’
    Because in some way she did feel the need to have it confirmed.
    * * *
    The room was utterly silent. Maj-Britt was back in the easy chair. Ellinor leant forward in the sofa with her head in her hands. And in the middle of the room the doctor stood packing up her fancy apparatus which had just reinforced the suspicions that they all clearly shared. Maj-Britt was pleased to confirm that the doctor’s hands were still trembling. For some reason it made her feel better to see that.
    ‘As far as I could tell the tumour is still contained within the surface of the kidney, but of course we have to do a contrast X-ray to know for sure. From what I saw there were no signs of metastasis, but that also has to be checked. But it was large, so it’s high time to have it removed.’
    Maj-Britt felt strangely calm. She looked towards the window again. At the swings that she had looked at for more than thirty years but had never seen up close.
    ‘And if it’s not removed?’
    No one answered, but after a while she heard a little puffing sound from Ellinor.
    ‘Well, what if it’s not removed?’
    Now it was Maj-Britt’s turn to be silent. She had said everything that needed to be said.
    ‘Maj-Britt, what do you mean by that? You must realise that you have to get rid of it! Isn’t that right, Monika? How long can someone live with that sort of tumour if it isn’t treated?’
    ‘That’s impossible to answer. I have no idea how long it’s been growing in there.’
    ‘Well, approximately?’
    Ellinor, as usual, was meticulous about details.
    ‘Six months perhaps. Maybe more, maybe less, it depends on how fast it’s growing. As a doctor I must strongly recommend an operation.’
    As a doctor. Maj-Britt snorted to herself.
    Ellinor’s mobile rang and she went out into the hall.
    Maj-Britt