Slammed

their bedroom and then head to my mother's room for what has become our nightly chat.
     
    "Shut the door, these are Kel's," she whispers.
     
    She's wrapping Christmas gifts. I shut the door behind me and sit on the bed with her and help her wrap.
     
    "What are your plans for Christmas break?" she asks.
     
    She's lost all of her hair now. She chose not to go with a wig-said it felt like a ferret was taking a nap on her head. She's still beautiful, nonetheless.
     
    I shrug. "Whatever yours are, I guess."
     
    She frowns. "Are you going to Will's graduation with us tomorrow?"
     
    He sent us an invite two weeks ago. I think each graduate gets a certain number of guests and his grandparents are the only other people he invited besides us.
     
    "I don't know, I haven't decided yet," I say.
     
    She secures a box with a bow and sets it aside. "You should go. Whatever happened between the two of you, you should still go. He’s been there for us, Lake."
     
    I don’t want to admit to her that I don't want to go because I don't know how to be around him anymore. That night in his laundry room when I thought for a brief moment that we could finally be together; I had never felt so elated. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever experienced, to finally be free to love him. But it wasn't real. That one minute of pure happiness I felt and the heartache that came moments later is something I never want to experience again. I'm tired of grieving.
     
    My mother moves the wrapping paper from her lap and reaches out and hugs me. I didn't realize I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve.
     
    "I'm sorry, but I think I may have given you some terrible advice," she says.
     
    I pull away from her and laugh. "That's impossible, Mom. You don't know how to do terrible."
     
    I take a box from the floor and pull it into my lap as I grab a sheet of already cut paper and begin to wrap it.
     
    "I did, though. Your whole life I've been telling you to think with your head, not your heart," she says.
     
    I meticulously fold the edges up and grab the roll of tape. "That's not good advice, Mom. That's great advice. That same advice is what has gotten me through these past few months." I tear a piece of tape and secure the edge of the package.
     
    My mother grabs the box out of my hand before I'm finished wrapping it and sets it beside her. She takes my hands and turns me toward her.
     
    "I'm serious. You've been doing so much thinking with your head that you're ignoring your heart completely. There has to be a balance. The fact that both of you are letting other things consume you is about to ruin any chance you'll ever have at being happy."
     
    I shake my head in confusion. "Nothing is consuming me, Mom."
     
    She shakes my hands like I'm not getting it. "I am, Lake . I'm consuming you. You've got to stop worrying so much about me . Go live your life. I'm not dead yet, you know."
     
    I stare down at our hands as her words soak in. I have been focusing on her a lot. But that's what she needs. It's what we both need. She doesn't have that much time left, and I want to be there for every second of it.
     
    "Mom, you need me. You need me more than I need Will. Besides, Will has made his choice."
     
    She darts her eyes away and lets go of my hands. "No he hasn't, Lake. He made what he thought was the best choice for him, but he's wrong. You're both wrong."
     
    I know she wants to see me happy. I don't have the heart to tell her that it's over between us. He made his choice that night in the laundry room when he let me go. He has his priorities, and right now I'm not one of them.
     
    She takes the box I was wrapping and returns it in front of her and starts wrapping it again. "That night I told you I had cancer, and you ran to Will's house?" Her voice softens. She clears her throat, still avoiding my eyes. "I need to tell you what he said to me, at the door."
     
    I remember the conversation she's referring to but I couldn’t hear what they were saying.
     
    "When he answered the door I told him you needed to come home. That we needed to talk about it. He looked at me with heartache in his eyes. He said, 'Let her stay Julia. She needs me right now.'
     
    "Lake, you broke my heart. It broke my heart that you needed him more than you needed me . As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I realized that you were grown up…that I wasn't your whole life anymore. Will could see that. He saw how bad his words hurt me. When I turned away to