Snuff

Littlebottom stood up. “Mr. Bewilderforce Gumption?”
    He tried to smile. “I generally see Fred Colon, officer.”
    â€œYes. And it’s Sergeant Littlebottom. But strangely enough it’s about Sergeant Colon that I’m visiting you today. Do you remember giving him a cigar?”
    Mr. Gumption was suffering from the illusion that many people have that policemen don’t see people lying all the time, so he said, “Not as I recall,” to which Cheery replied, “Mr. Gumption, it is a well-known fact that Sergeant Colon buys or otherwise procures his tobacco requirements from your noble establishment.”
    Once again Bewilderforce led off on the wrong note. “I want to see my lawyer!”
    â€œI’d like to see your lawyer as well, Mr. Gumption. Perhaps you’d send someone to collect him while I and my colleague wait here?”
    Bewilderforce looked around bewildered. “What colleague?”
    â€œOh, aye, that’ll be me well enough,” said the constable known, sometimes briefly, as Wee Mad Arthur, who had been lurking behind a packet of cigarettes.
    Two police officers are far more than doubly worse than one, and Cheery Littlebottom took advantage of the sudden panic to say, carefully, “It’s a very simple question, Mr. Gumption. Where did that cigar come from?”
    Cheery was aware that Commander Vimes didn’t like the phrase “The innocent have nothing to fear,” believing the innocent had everything to fear, mostly from the guilty but in the longer term even more from those who say things like “The innocent have nothing to fear”; but Bewilderforce was fearful—she could see him sweating.
    â€œWe know you’re a smuggler, Mr. Gumption, or perhaps I should say that you take advantage of very good deals when they are, ahem, presented to you. Right now, however, all I need from you is to tell me where that cigar came from. Once you’ve been so kind as to tell me that, we’ll walk out of this building in a happy and cooperative frame of mind.”
    Bewilderforce brightened up. Cheery continued, “Of course, other departments of the Watch might wish to visit you in due course. At the moment, sir, you just have to deal with me. Do you know where that batch of cigars came from?”
    Valiantly Bewilderforce tried it on. “I buy from dealers all the time,” he said. “It’d take me ages to go through the records!”
    Cheery kept smiling. “No problem there, Mr. Gumption, I’ll call for my expert colleague Mr. A. E. Pessimal, right now. I don’t know if you know of him? It’s amazing how quickly he can work through paperwork and I’m sure he’ll find time in his busy schedule to help you out at no cost whatsoever.”
    Five minutes later a gray-faced and breathless Bewilderforce handed Cheery a small scrap of paper.
    Cheery looked up at him. “Howondaland? I thought that tobacco mostly came from Klatch?”
    Bewilderforce shrugged. “Well, they’ve been starting up plantations in Howondaland now. Good stuff, too.” Feeling a little bit bolder, Bewilderforce went on. “All properly paid for, I can tell you. Yes, I know there’s smuggling going on, but we don’t have any truck with that. No need to when you can get a pretty good deal by buying in bulk. It’s all in my ledgers. Every invoice. Every payment. All set down properly.”
    Cheery relented. A. E. Pessimal could probably find something to excite him somewhere in the Gumption ledgers. After all, business was business. But there was business and there was bad business. It didn’t do to get complicated. She stood up. “Thank you very much for your assistance, Mr. Gumption. We’ll trouble you no further.”
    Bewilderforce hesitated and said, “What’s up with Fred Colon? He’s a bit of a scrounger, I don’t mind saying, but I would hate anything to have happened to him. It wasn’t…poison or anything, was it?”
    â€œNo, Mr. Gumption. His cigar started singing to him.”
    â€œThey don’t usually do that,” said Bewilderforce nervously. “I’ll have to check my stock.”
    â€œPlease do that, sir. And while you’re doing so perhaps you’ll look out for this little list of snuff products?”
    The tobacconist took it from her carefully. His lips moved and he said, “That’s quite a lot