T Is for Trespass

hose on the washing machine came loose and spewed water everywhere. “I appreciate your being so prompt.”
    “I’m happy to be of help.” His smile was sweet and his thicket of blond hair was as big as a burning bush. He wore denim overalls, a short-sleeved T-shirt, and hiking boots. He’d brought with him two lightweight plastic carriers that he set on the floor, one medium and one large. The coffee carafe had attracted his attention the minute he arrived, but he’d been polite about it. “Let’s see what you got here.”
    He eased himself down to the floor on one bent knee and then stretched out on his tummy and put his face near the carafe. He gave the glass a tap, but the spider was too busy to care. He was feeling his way around the perimeter, hoping for a little doorway to freedom. Byron said, “He’s a beauty.”
    “Oh, thanks.”
    “This fellow’s a Mexican red-legged tarantula, Brachypelma emilia , maybe five or six years old. A male judging by his color. See how dark he is? The females are closer to a soft brown. Where’d you find him?”
    “Actually, he found me. Someone left him for me in a padded envelope.”
    He looked up with interest. “What’s the occasion?”
    “No occasion, just a very sick practical joke.”
    “Some joke. You can’t buy a red-legged spiderling for less than a hundred and twenty-five dollars.”
    “Yeah, well, nothing but the best for me. When you say Mexican red-legged, does that mean they’re only found in Mexico?”
    “Not exclusively. In states like Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas, they’re not uncommon. I breed Chaco golden knees and cobalt blues. Neither cost as much as this guy. I have a pair of Brazilian salmon pinks I picked up for ten bucks each. You know you can actually train tarantulas as pets?”
    “Really,” I said. “I had no idea.”
    “Heck, yes. They’re quiet and they don’t shed. They do molt and you have to be a little bit careful about bites. The venom’s harmless to humans, but you’ll have swelling at the site and sometimes numbness or itching. Goes away pretty quick. It’s nice you didn’t kill him.”
    “I’m a conservationist at heart,” I said. “Listen, if you’re going to pick him up, please warn me. I’m leaving the room.”
    “Nah, this guy’s had enough trauma for one day. I don’t want him thinking I’m the enemy.”
    While I watched, he removed the ventilated lid from the medium-size clear plastic box. He took a pencil from my desk, picked up the carafe, and used it to coax the spider into the carrier. (The pencil was going, too.) He snapped the lid in place and used the pop-up handle to lift him up to face level again.
    “If you want him, he’s yours,” I said.
    “Really?” He smiled, his face flushing with delight. I hadn’t given a fellow that much pleasure since Cheney and I broke up.
    “I’ll also be happy to pay for your time. You really saved my life.”
    “Oh man, this is payment enough. If you change your mind, I’ll be happy to bring him back.”
    I said, “Go and god bless.”

    Once the door closed behind him, I sat at my desk and had a nice long chat with myself. A Mexican red-legged. Bite my ass. This was Solana’s doing. If her purpose was to scare the shit out of me, she’d done well. I wasn’t sure what the tarantula represented to her, but from my perspective it spoke of a twisted mind at work. She was putting me on notice and I got the point. Any relief my morning run had generated went straight out the window. That first glimpse of the spider would be with me for life. I still had the willies. I put together the files I’d need, picked up my portable Smith-Corona, locked the office door behind me, and loaded the car. The office felt contaminated. I’d work from home.

    I made it through the day. Though easily distracted, I was determined to be productive. I needed comfort, and for lunch I allowed myself a sandwich made with half an inch of olive pimento cheese spread on whole grain bread. I cut it in quarters the way I had as a child and I savored every tangy bite. I wasn’t all that strict about dinner either, I must confess. I needed to sedate myself with food and drink. I know it’s very naughty to use alcohol to relieve tension, but wine is cheap, it’s legal, and it does the job. Up to a point.
    When I went to bed that night I didn’t have to worry about lying awake. I was ever so slightly inebriated and I slept like a stone.
    It was the faintest whiff of