Tales of the Unexpected

danger.
    Then suddenly, so suddenly that I jumped, she said, ‘Lionel, what’s this I hear about you and Janet de Pelagia?’
    ‘Now, Gladys, please…’
    ‘Lionel, you’re blushing!’
    ‘Nonsense.’
    ‘Don’t tell me the old bachelor has really taken a tumble at last?’
    ‘Gladys, this is too absurd.’ I began making movements to go, but she put a hand on my knee and stopped me.
    ‘Don’t you know by now, Lionel, that there
are
no secrets?’
    ‘Janet is a fine girl.’
    ‘You can hardly call her a
girl
.’ Gladys Ponsonby paused, staring down into the large brandy glass that she held cupped in both hands. ‘But of course, I agree with you, Lionel, she’s a wonderful person in every way. Except,’ and now she spoke very slowly, ‘except that she
does
say some rather peculiar things occasionally.’
    ‘What sort of things?’
    ‘Just things, you know – things about people. About you.’
    ‘What did she say about me?’
    ‘Nothing at all, Lionel. It wouldn’t interest you.’
    ‘What did she say about me?’
    ‘It’s not even worth repeating, honestly it isn’t. It’s only that it struck me as being rather odd at the time.’
    ‘Gladys – what did she say?’ While I waited for her to answer, I could feel the sweat breaking out all over my body.
    ‘Well now, let me see. Of course, she was only joking or I couldn’t dream of telling you, but I suppose she
did
say how it was all a wee bit of a bore.’
    ‘What was?’
    ‘Sort of going out to dinner with you nearly every night – that kind of thing.’
    ‘She said it was a bore?’
    ‘Yes.’ Gladys Ponsonby drained the brandy glass with one last big gulp, and sat up straight. ‘If you really want to know, she said it was a crashing bore. And then…’
    ‘What did she say then?’
    ‘Now look, Lionel – there’s no need to get excited. I’m only telling you this for your own good.’
    ‘Then please hurry up and tell it.’
    ‘It’s just that I happened to be playing canasta with Janet this afternoon and I asked her if she was free to dine with me tomorrow. She said no, she wasn’t.’
    ‘Go on.’
    ‘Well – actually what she said was “I’m dining with that crashing old bore Lionel Lampson.” ’
    ‘Janet said that?’
    ‘Yes, Lionel dear.’
    ‘What else?’
    ‘Now, that’s enough. I don’t think I should tell the rest.’
    ‘Finish it, please!’
    ‘Why, Lionel, don’t keep shouting at me like that. Of course I’ll tell you if you insist. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t consider myself a true friend if I didn’t. Don’t you think it’s the sign of true friendship when two people like us…’
    ‘Gladys!
Please
hurry.’
    ‘Good heavens, you must give me time to
think
. Let me see now – so far as I can remember, what she
actually
said was this…’ – and Gladys Ponsonby, sitting upright on the sofa with her feet not quite touching the floor, her eyes away from me now, looking at the wall, began cleverly to mimic the deep tone of that voice I knew so well – ‘ “Such a bore, my dear, because with Lionel one can
always
tell exactly what will happen
right
from beginning to end. For dinner we’ll go to the Savoy Grill – it’s
always
the Savoy Grill – and for two hours I’ll have to listen to the pompous old… I mean I’ll have to listen to him droning away about pictures and porcelain –
always
pictures and porcelain. Then in the taxi going home he’ll reach out for my hand, and he’ll lean closer, and I’ll get a whiff of stale cigar smoke and brandy, and he’ll start burbling about how he wished – oh, how he wished he was just twenty years younger. And I will say, ‘Could you open a window, do you mind?’ And when we arrive at my house I’ll tell him to keep the taxi, but he’ll pretend he hasn’t heard and pay it off quickly. And then at the front door, while I fish for my key, he’ll stand beside me with a sort of silly spaniel look in his eyes, and I’ll slowly put the key in the lock, and slowly turn it, and then – very quickly, before he has time to move – I’ll say good night and skip inside and shut the door behind me…” Why, Lionel! What’s the matter, dear? You look positively ill…’
    At that point, mercifully, I must have swooned clear away. I can remember practically nothing of the rest of that terrible night except for a vague and disturbing suspicion that when I regained consciousness I broke down completely and permitted Gladys Ponsonby