The Between Years

while he entered and emptied inside of me. When he was done, he would roll off and lye there like he was asleep, but at least we hit the shower together. In the old days, sex had been a two-way street, and was something we both enjoyed. Now and then, we would talk about ways to spice things up in the bedroom, like role-playing, or maybe some bondage, but this was different. I'm no psychologist, but I wonder if Randy was simply trying to exercise power over me.

    I always reflect on those experiences with shame. I'm a strong woman and I feel like I gave up my self-respect. Not that he made me; I could have walked out on him any time. And maybe I should have. So why did I do it? To retain what harmony remained in my marriage, I suppose. I might have hated it, but I knew what kind of person Randy really was, and I wanted to believe that he could be brought back. I'd still like to bring that man back if I can.

    Randy had been a warm, gentle person before, and still was to some extent, but not the way he'd been when I'd first met him. The person he'd become had developed an edge, and I have no doubt Kenny's death created that.

    Life carried on like that for a while. I hadn't expected life to be happy, not after we'd lost our only child. But when you're young and you visualize what your marriage will be like, you might consider the hardships, but not all of the harsh realities.

    So, back to the original question: would I ever have another baby? At that point, I would have said no, even if I wouldn't have articulated it that way. I skirted around the question more than anything, but I think I was unconsciously trying to avoid letting it happen.

    These days, my attitude is different. If someone asks me that question, I always say yes, if only I had someone to conceive the child with. I can't imagine being a parent with anyone but Randy. He might be gone, but I know he's not really gone, the way someone is when they're buried or cremated. Neither happened to Randy; he's in another state. What matters is that I know he isn't coming back, which loans it a sense of permanence it wouldn't have otherwise had.

    As long as I kept Kenny's room up, I wasn't ready for another child. Randy, on the other hand, wanted to try again immediately, and set about the work post haste. I'm sure that Randy had noble intentions at heart, but I think he was blinded to the reality a baby would bring. If we had another child, they would always live in Kenny's shadow. In fact, the child would have to sleep in our room because we wouldn't have been able to tear down Kenny's room for another to live in.

    And God help that child if it turned out to be a boy! Being a girl having to hear Kenny stories ad nauseum until she developed a complex sounded bad enough. But if we were to have a boy, I worried we would be trying directly to replace Kenny and that the expectations on the child would be astronomical.

    But I was faced with another question: if I had another baby, would I love it as much as I loved Kenny. A mother's love is natural, which I learned from the first time I'd laid eyes on him, the first time I cradled him in my arms, but I couldn't help but feel like this love would be different. Lesser. The question was too uncomfortable to consider any further. I feel ashamed at the very thought, but I couldn't deny that it existed.

    Even now, I question myself, but I think the experience has wised me up. But I'm glad I considered all of those variables first and that I took a stand with Randy. Really, I took a stand for both of us because I think he was a moral person who could understand it on his own. My stand with him is even more of a relief given how things shaped up.

CHAPTER 20
    Our anniversary rolled around and I expected it to come and go almost without incident. It was an afterthought. No, we were definitely not an old married couple, but we never made an enormous production over those things either. We exchanged gifts, became friendly later, and that was the extent of it. I bought Randy a new wallet. What did I want? I thought a dozen red roses would bring that powerful flower scent back into our house. Randy took me out to the Riverfront Restaurant, which came as a pleasant surprise.

    Randy and his parents had eaten at that restaurant since he'd been a boy, but the business had sold a few years ago to a chef who had designs on sprucing the place up. Still a fine Italian eatery, the place had become more posh and paid close attention