The Bride Wore Black Leather

starts scouring out the inside of the glass, and you can have a nice sweetie afterwards to take the taste away.”
    I knocked it back in one, doing my best to sneak it past my tongue. There was a brief taste of something very like orange, followed by the most vile and awful taste I have ever encountered. And I’ve been around. My taste buds exploded with fear and loathing, the whole of my mouth shrivelled up in panic, and tears of pure affront leapt from my eye-balls before the lids squeezed shut in self-defence. I grabbed on to the bar with both hands, making loud noises of distress. When I have really bad nightmares, I can still almost remember that taste. When I was finally able to force my eyes open again, Alex was waiting politely before me with a glass of Lourdes Coke. I snatched it from him and drank it thirstily. It helped. When I finally put the glass down, I was surprised to find that I actually felt human again, with no more aches or pains. I wasn’t entirely sure that was worth what I’d just been through . . . “There,” said Alex, smugly. “Wasn’t that a fuss to make over a nasty taste?”
    I thought about it. “No,” I said, very firmly. “Half my taste buds are still crying their eyes out, and the other half are threatening to sue for post-traumatic stress disorder.”
    Alex cackled happily. “Big girl’s blouse. Come on; you’ve got some serious drinking to do if we’re to get you into a suitable state for your stag do. This is going to be a night to remember! People will speak of it for years to come, in hushed and respectful whispers, saying
You should be glad you weren’t there
.”
    I gave him a hard look. “I told you—no strippers.”
    Alex grinned and leaned forward across the bar. “I can’t believe you chose me to be best man at your wedding. I’m going to have to make a speech, aren’t I? Oh, the possibilities for embarrassment and revenge . . .”
    “Suzie will be sitting right next to you,” I pointed out. “And yes, she will most definitely have a gun somewhere about her person.”
    “Duly noted,” said Alex. “I won’t mention Deirdre Birchwood then.”
    “Best not to,” I agreed.
    I looked down to the end of the bar, where Alex’s pet vulture Agatha was no longer crouched brooding on her post. She’d finally laid her egg. It was a great deal bigger than any vulture’s egg had a right to be, and it was a deep black in colour. The vulture was sitting on the egg, with a certain amount of support from two side cushions, and was cooing contentedly. Alex sniggered.
    “When she finally laid that thing, you could hear the outraged sounds she was making out in London Proper. She was really quite indignant about the whole affair.”
    “I’ve never seen a black egg before,” I said. “And certainly not an egg as dark as that . . .”
    Alex nodded slowly. “If you look close enough, it’s full of stars.”
    “Any idea yet what the father was, that was actually brave enough to have sex with that vulture?” I said.
    “I have been giving the matter a great deal of thought,” said Alex. “There is a betting pool if you’re interested. After some consideration, I would have to say my money is on my own appalling ancestor, Merlin Satanspawn. A lot of the legends have him down as a shape-shifter.”
    “But . . . he’s been dead for centuries!”
    “Didn’t stop him from sleeping with my ex-wife.”
    “All these years in the Nightside, and I still can’t believe where some of my conversations end up,” I said.
    Alex regarded me thoughtfully, pulling down his stylish shades so he could peer at me over the top of them. “Seriously though, John. Why me? Why choose me to be best man?”
    “You’re my oldest friend,” I said. “And, on occasion, my oldest enemy. And everything in between. Who else has suffered all the things we’ve been through? Who else has seen the things we’ve seen? We have heard the chimes at midnight, and laughed in the face of gods and monsters. Nobody knows the trouble we’ve known . . . And isn’t that what being best man is all about? Plus, I was best man at your wedding.”
    “And look how well that turned out,” said Alex. “I’d sue you if I had a sue. But you’re right; it does fall to me as your oldest friend and foe and occasional legal advisor to guide you through the horrors to come as you embark on the stormy seas of matrimony.”
    “You are so good to me, Alex.”
    “Did you get a pre-nup?