The Forsaken

liability here. I tell myself I’ll have to keep my guard up around Liam, despite my feelings. Still, it’s going to be hard, and I know it.

EXODUS
    FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL days, I don’t see as much of Liam as I hoped. I kind of expected that he’d try to kiss me again. But he’s busy training and strategizing with the hunters. I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. I guess I feel a bit of both. So I put myself in Gadya’s hands, turning my schedule over to her.
    She gets Veidman’s approval to spend her days training me. She’s happy to have found another girl who wants to be a warrior, and I’m happy to have found someone to teach me. Of course, I don’t mention anything to her about my moment with Liam, because I feel so guilty about it. We also don’t talk about what happened with David. It’s just become another mystery of the wheel.
    Gadya doesn’t go easy on me in training. “We’re gonna run five miles today,” she announces on the first morning. She has woken me up before sunrise, when the dew is still thick on the grass underneath our hammocks. “I gotta get your heart pumping. Turn some of that blubber into muscle.”
    “Blubber?” I say, wounded.
    “You’re not fat, but you’re not toned either. Still, there’s no time for magic. We’ll have to focus on skills. I’ll teach you a condensed version of everything I know—if you can handle it.”
    For the next few days, I’m at her mercy. We go through endless drills in the heat, mostly running and sparring, sometimes so hard I throw up. My hair gets soaked with sweat, and so does my ragged, disintegrating bra.
    But Gadya does what she promised. She teaches me how to notch an arrow into a bow. How to pull the arrow back and release it, so that it flies fast and true with a snap of the bowstring.
    The bow reminds me of my guitar—except the notes its string plays are violent and deadly. We use trees as targets, peppering their trunks with arrows. Slowly, very slowly, my aim improves, until I can hit a one-inch mark from a hundred feet away. Gadya’s initial frustration with my ineptitude gives way to grudging satisfaction. She jokes that I’ve finally found an instrument worth playing.
    Gadya also shows me simple defensive moves I can use with a stick or spear. She shows me how to throw a punch like a boy, with my thumb outside my fist, supporting my index finger. And how to throw a rock like a boy too. How to wrestle. How to grip a knife the right way, with the tip of the blade pointing down, so I can slice upward at my opponents, using my full strength.
    I admit to myself now that I was secretly jealous of athletic girls back home. They always seemed so carefree. It was probably an illusion, due to their thought-pill consumption. But still. I missed out on a lot of fun because I was afraid to try new things. Now I don’t feel so afraid anymore. Or rather, I guess now I’m afraid of more serious things—like death—so the little things don’t matter as much. I’ve been forced to stop being a coward and start taking responsibility for myself. And to start caring again—for the first time since my parents got taken.
    As I train, I think about finding the messages my parents supposedly left for me in the gray zone. I imagine that my secrets make me seem preoccupied. If so, Gadya doesn’t notice. She’s too busy yelling at me, “Think on your feet!” and “Push yourself harder!”
    Our training sessions attract attention, mostly from the boys. A few of the girls seem curious too. I’m hoping others might join us, but none do. In the village, hunting is mostly a male activity. Gadya is an anomaly. But now there are two of us.
    Of course many of the kids are getting ready for the expedition in other ways. The hunters are frequently off in the deep forest of the blue sector, practicing routines of their own. The drones launch a few minor attacks on us, but nothing like the ones prior to the burning of the prisoners.
    When Liam isn’t training, he occasionally stops by to watch us with his friends. At those times Gadya becomes harsher, barking out orders like she’s trying to impress him. I still haven’t found the nerve to tell her about Liam’s kiss.
    I wish we weren’t all so busy. Liam never seems to be around when I want to talk to him in private. Maybe he regrets trying to kiss me. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to be friends anymore. In some ways, I understand. I don’t want to be tempted by him