The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

MODEL .
 
20
I F YOU FUCK A GIRL WHO LIKES THE S MITHS .
 
21
I F YOU DON’T EAT MEAT BECAUSE THE S MITHS ALBUM Meat Is Murder HAD AN IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE .
 
22
I F YOU DO ANYTHING SPIRITUAL .
 
23
I F YOU FUCK A PREGNANT WOMAN AND SHE’S CARRYING A BOY, YOU’RE GAY . I F YOU GET SPERM ON THE AMNIOTIC SAC, THE BABY WILL GROW UP TO BE GAY TOO .
 
24
I F YOU’VE EVER HAD A HAIRCUT LIKE M ORRISSEY .
 
25
I F YOU’VE EVER HAD A HAIRCUT WHILE A M ORRISSEY OR S MITHS ALBUM WAS PLAYING IN THE ROOM .
 
26
I F YOU’VE EVER TALKED ABOUT OR OWNED A CRYSTAL—ESPECIALLY IF IT’S CRYSTAL METH .
 
27
I F YOU’VE EVER PUT B AND -A IDS ON YOUR NIPPLES AS A FASHION STATEMENT .
 
28
I F YOU’VE EVER SPENT MORE THAN A WEEK ON S OUTH B EACH .
 
29
I F YOU’RE NOT THINKING ABOUT TITS RIGHT NOW .
 
30
I F YOU STILL LIKED J UDAS P RIEST AFTER YOU HEARD THE RUMOR THAT R OB H ALFORD WAS GAY .
 
31
I F YOU GET A HARD-ON WHILE TAKING A SHIT .
 
32
I F YOU KNOW WHAT SPERM TASTES LIKE (ESPECIALLY IF IT’S YOUR OWN) .
 
33
I F YOU KISS A GIRL WITH TONGUE AFTER SHE’S SWALLOWED YOUR CUM .
 
34
I F YOU GET HARD WHILE READING THIS .
 
35
I F YOU KNOW THE NAMES OF ANYONE WHO’S EVER BEEN IN THE S MITHS BESIDES M ORRISSEY AND J OHNNY M ARR .
 
36
I F YOU’RE A MALE MODEL .
 
37
I F YOU GET CHOKED UP LISTENING TO “B OYS D ON’T C RY” BY THE C URE .
 
38
I F YOU’RE A CLOTHING DESIGNER .
 
39
I F YOUR FIRST, LAST, MIDDLE OR ONLY NAME IS M ORRISSEY .
 
    RULES I’VE BROKEN: 1, 2, 12 (this probably makes us all gay), 20 (most likely unintentionally), 26, 30, 33, 38 (I design my own clothes).
CHEATING
    Though we have a reputation as flagrant plunderers of all the free and expensive tits that come with being a rock star, the truth is that we are all completely faithful to our girlfriends. I can honestly say that I have never cheated on my girlfriend. And that’s because I play by the rules, which are listed below for your use and edification.
1
Y OU CAN SQUEEZE FAKE TITS BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT ACTUALLY REAL, SO YOU’RE NOT CHEATING .
 
2
I F YOU DON’T REMEMBER THEIR NAME IT DOESN’T COUNT .
 
3
I F YOU DON’T CALL THEM AFTERWARD IT DOESN’T COUNT .
 
4
B LOW JOBS DON’T COUNT–THEY’RE LIKE HANDSHAKES AND AUTOGRAPHS .
 
5
I F YOU CUDDLE, YOU’RE CHEATING .
 
6
I F YOU ARE IN A TIME ZONE THAT IS AHEAD OF THE TIME ZONE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS IN, USE THE FOLLOWING EQUATION TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU’VE CHEATED: L ET X BE THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO COUNTRIES AND LET Y BE THE NUMBER OF HOURS THAT HAVE ELAPSED SINCE YOU SLEPT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN . I F YOU TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND YX, YOU CHEATED .
 
7
I F YOU ARE IN E UROPE , C ANADA , S OUTH A MERICA OR J APAN, YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE IS NOT VALID . S O YOU CAN SLEEP WITH ANYONE YOU WANT .
 
8
I F YOU FUCK SOMEONE THE NIGHT BEFORE SEEING YOUR GIRLFRIEND, IT’S OKAY BECAUSE IT’S JUST PRACTICE TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T PREMATURELY EJACULATE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND .
 
9
I F IT WAS PART OF A PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, IT DOESN’T COUNT .
 
10
I F YOU’RE DOING IT TO HELP YOUR CAREER, IT DOESN’T COUNT . B UT IF SHE THINKS YOU CAN HELP HER CAREER, THEN YOU’RE CHEATING .
 
11
I F YOU REMEMBER THE NAME OF A GIRL THAT SOMEONE ELSE HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND WITH, THEN YOU CHEATED BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT MORE THAN THE PERSON WHO GOT LAID DID . I F YOU DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, THIS JUST MAKES YOU DESPERATE AND COUNTS AS ONE CHEAT AGAINST YOUR FUTURE GIRLFRIEND .
 
12
I F IT’S SOMEONE’S BIRTHDAY, IT DOESN’T COUNT (ESPECIALLY IF IT’S YOUR OWN) .
 
13
I F THE GIRL HAS A TATTOO WITH YOUR NAME ON IT, THEN IT’S JUST COMMON COURTESY TO HAVE SEX WITH HER .
 
14
I F YOU HAVE ANAL SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE IT’S NOT COITUS (UNLESS YOU’RE DATING M ORRISSEY) .
 
15
I F SHE HAS THE SAME NAME AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND, IT’S NOT CHEATING—OR IF THE FIRST LETTER OF HER NAME IS THE SAME . I F NEITHER OF THESE APPLY; SPRITZ HER WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S FAVORITE SCENT BEFORE HAVING SEX AND YOU’RE ALL RIGHT .
 
16
I F YOU TELL THEM YOU RESPECT THEM IN THE MORNING AND MEAN IT, YOU’RE GAY .
 
    RULES I’VE BROKEN: