The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

YOU’RE TEETERING ON THE BRINK.)
 
7
… THE MERE MENTION OF COCAINE MAKES YOU PASS GAS OR THE SIGHT OF IT MAKES YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHIT.
 
8
… YOU’VE WRITTEN MORE THAN TWO SONGS THAT REFER TO DRUGS.
 
9
… YOU GET KICKED OUT OF A BAND FOR BEING A DRUG ADDICT.
 
10
… YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH A MODEL .
 
11
… YOU LIVE IN N EW O RLEANS .
 
12
… YOU PAY FOR YOUR GROCERIES WITH ROLLED-UP DOLLAR BILLS .
 
13
… YOU’VE EVER BEEN IN D R . H OOK OR KNOWN THE LYRICS TO A D R . H OOK SONG .
 
14
… THE EMBOSSED NUMBERS, PARTICULARLY THE O ’ S , 6’ S AND 9’S, ON YOUR CORPORATE CREDIT CARD ARE FILLED IN WITH A MYSTERIOUS WHITE POWDER .
 
15
… YOU’RE ALONE IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM ON TOUR AND YOU DO DRUGS .
 
16
… YOU DO DRUGS BEFORE 6 P.M. OR AFTER 6 A.M .
 
17
… YOU HATE EVERYBODY . (I F YOU LIKE EVERYBODY, YOU’RE ON E CSTASY AND I’ M AGAINST YOU .)
 
18
… YOU KNOW THE NAME FOR THE FLESHY CREVICE BETWEEN YOUR THUMB AND INDEX FINGER .
 
19
… YOU’VE EVER SAID , “T HIS IS MY LAST LINE” OR, CONVERSELY , “W HICH LINE IS THE BIGGEST ?”
 
20
… YOU INVITE PEOPLE TO STAY AT YOUR HOME WHILE YOU’RE ON DRUGS .
 
21
… YOU TELL ANYBODY ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD WHILE YOU’RE ON DRUGS .
 
22
… YOU’RE NOT THINKING ABOUT TITS RIGHT NOW .
 
23
… YOU SAY , “I ONLY DO THIS WHEN I’ M WITH YOU.”
 
24
… YOU HAVE YOUR BODYGUARD WATCH THE DOOR WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM .
 
25
… YOU’RE A GUY AND YOU TALK TO A GIRL WHO HAS A BOYFRIEND FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE SHE HAS DRUGS .
 
26
… YOU’RE A CHILD ACTOR .
 
27
… I F YOU MAKE THIS BOOK INTO A GAME AND DO A LINE EVERY TIME DRUGS ARE MENTIONED, THEN NOT ONLY ARE YOU AN ADDICT BUT YOU MAY BE DEAD .
 
    RULES I’VE BROKEN: 1, 4 (but that doesn’t count), 5, 6 (and I came back on stage with the dollar bill hanging from my nose), 7, 8 (I’ve written dozens), 12, 13, 14 (unless I’ve cleaned it out because I’m crossing a border), 15, 16, 17, 19, 20, 21 (but only for this book), 24, 25.
HOMOSEXUALITY
    My philosophy about sexuality is that I don’t have a problem with anything anyone does in any way. All I ask is that you know the rules. I’ve sucked the dicks of several men, which a lot of straight guys won’t admit to having done or wanting to do. But just like kissing a girl can’t get her pregnant, sucking a guy’s dick doesn’t make you gay (unless you break rule #3). It’s not that I’m against being gay—I just want to clarify what makes you gay. Please note that this list only pertains to guys: All women are by nature lesbians. So let’s get things straight (no pun intended)—if you meet any of the qualifications below, you are gay.
1
I F YOU GET SOMEONE ELSE’S SPERM ON YOU .
 
2
I F YOU’VE EVER OWNED A S MITHS ALBUM .
 
3
I F YOU GET HARD WHILE SUCKING ANOTHER GUY’S DICK . I F YOU DON’T, YOU’RE STRAIGHT—UNLESS HE GETS SPERM ON YOU .
 
4
I F M ICHAEL S TIPE IS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU AND YOU’RE HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN, YOU’RE BISEXUAL .
 
5
I F YOU’RE AT A GAY BAR, YOU’RE NOT GAY . B UT IF YOU’RE AT A STRAIGHT BAR AND YOU TALK TO ANOTHER GUY LONGER THAN YOU TALK TO A GIRL, YOU’RE GAY .
 
6
I F YOU TAP YOUR FEET TO A S MITHS SONG .
 
7
I F YOU DISCUSS ART FOR MORE THAN 45 MINUTES .
 
8
I F YOU’VE EVER WORN A BERET .
 
9
I F YOU KISS A GUY AND HE HAS A HARD-ON, YOU’RE NOT GAY UNLESS YOU HAVE A HARD-ON TOO .
 
10
I F YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX—WITH A MALE OR A FEMALE—TO THE S MITHS, YOU’RE GAY .
 
11
I F YOUR ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO GET GIRLS PREGNANT SO THEY CAN HAVE MORE GIRLS TO HAVE LESBIAN SEX TOGETHER .
 
12
I F YOU JACK OFF AND YOU GET CUM ON YOURSELF
 
13
I F YOU GET A BONER WATCHING Gilligan’s Island .
 
14
I F YOU DON’T GET A BONER WATCHING Bewitched .
 
15
I F THERE’S A S MITHS SONG ON IN A BAR AND YOU’RE IN THE BATHROOM WITH YOUR DICK IN YOUR HAND .
 
16
I F YOUR NAME IS R ICHARD AND YOU GO BY D ICK .
 
17
I F YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE NAMED D ICK .
 
18
I F YOU DON’T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, YOU’RE ONLY USING HER AS A PROP TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE NOT GAY .
 
19
I F YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH A