The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove

best to drop-kick her ego before finally leading the little lady to the appropriate product, where he would continue to question her into full humiliation. "Well, is it a sheet metal screw or a wood screw?Three-eighths or seven-sixteenths?
    Do you have a hex head screwdriver? Well, then, you'll need one, won't you? Are you sure you wouldn't rather just call someone to do this for you?" Tears and/or sniffles from the customer would signal victory and confirm superior status for the male race.
    Frank, Bert and Les watched Molly on the security monitor, exchanged some comments about her breasts, laughed nervously after five minutes passed without her surrender, and tried to look busy when she emerged from the aisle carrying a five-gallon can of roof-patching tar, a roll of fiberglass fabric, and a long-handled squeegee.
    Molly stood at the counter, shifting her weight from foot to foot. Bert and Les squinted into a catalog set on a rotating stand while concentrating on sucking in their guts. Frank manned the register and pretended he was doing something complex on the keyboard, when, in fact, he was just making it beep.
    Molly cleared her throat.
    Frank looked up as if he'd just noticed she was there. "Find everything you need?"
    "I think so," Molly said, taking both hands to lift the heavy can of tar onto the counter.
    "You need some resin for that fiberglass fabric?" Les said.
    "And some hardener?"Bert said. Frank snickered.
    "Some what?"Molly said.
    "You can't patch a trailer roof with that stuff, miss. You live down at the Fly Rod, don't you?" They all knew who she was and where she lived. She was often the subject of hardware store gossip and speculation, even though she'd never set foot in there before today.
    "I'm not going to patch a roof."
    "Well, you can't use that on a driveway. You need asphalt sealer, and it should be applied with a brush, not a squeegee."
    "How much do I owe you?" Molly said.
    "You should wear a respirator when you work with fiberglass. You have one at home, right?" Bert asked.
    "Yeah, right next to the elves and the gnomes," Les said.
    Molly didn't flinch.
    "He's right," Frank said. "Those fibers get down in your lungs and they could do you a world of harm, especially with those lungs."
    The clerks all laughed at the joke.
    "I've got a respirator out in the truck," Les said. "I could come by after work and give you a hand with your little project."
    "That would be great," Molly said. "What time?"
    Les balked. "Well, I um…"
    "I'll pick up some beer." Molly smiled. "You guys should come along too. I could really use the help."
    "Oh, I think Les can handle it, can't you, Les?" Frank said as he hit the total key. "That comes to thirty-seven sixty-five with tax."
    Molly counted her money out on the counter. "So I'll see you tonight?"
    Les swallowed hard and forced a smile. "You bet," he said.
    "Thanks then," Molly said brightly. Then she picked up her supplies and headed for the door.
    As she broke the doorbell beam, Frank whispered "Crazy slut" under his breath.
    Molly stopped, turned slowly, and winked.
    Once she was outside, the clerks made miserable old white guy attempts at trading high-fives while patting Les on the back. It was a hardware store fantasy fulfilled – much better than just humiliating a woman, Les would get to humiliate her and get her naked as well. For some reason they'd all been feeling a little randy lately, thinking about sex almost as often as power tools.
    "My wife is going to kill me," Les said.
    "What shedon't know won't hurt her," the other two said in unison.
    Theo Theo actually felt his stomach lurch when he went into his victory garden and clipped a handful of sticky buds from his pot plants. They weren't forhimself this time, but the reminder of how much this little patch of plants ruled his life, made him ill. And how was it that he hadn't felt the need to fire up his Sneaky Pete for three days? A twenty-year drug habit suddenly ends? No withdrawal, no side effects, no cravings? The freedom was almost nauseating. It was as if the Weirdness Fairy had landed in his life with a thump, popped him on the head with a rubber chicken, bit him on the shin,then went off to inflict herself on the rest of Pine Cove.
    He stuffed the marijuana into a plastic bag, tucked it into his jacket pocket and climbed into the Volvo for the forty-mile drive to San Junipero. He was going to have to enter the bowels of the county justice building and face the Spider to find out