The Never List

road. We sat in silence for a few moments.
    Then she began again, more hesitantly this time, “Don’t you feel as if we have … almost an obligation … to understand this? To work through it? If we don’t, he’s still here, you know. Still in us. Still in control.”
    The conversation was hitting a little close to home. I felt myselfshutting down, just like I had with Dr. Simmons. I didn’t want to get into this.
    “I guess I don’t have many expectations in that regard. And I don’t really see how what I think about Jack matters to that equation.”
    Tracy shook her head. “You are really not even out of the gate.”
    She pressed her foot harder on the pedal, and as the car surged forward on the deserted road, she switched the radio back on and fiddled with the dial until she found something hard and fast and loud. We rode the rest of the way like that, the silence between us more deafening than the punk rock blasting from the speakers.

CHAPTER 25
    The next day I decided to show up at the offices of the Portland Sun , in search of Scott Weber. I had put Tracy in touch with Adele, and they were going to meet later that day. I was hoping they might speak the same language, or at least be capable of translating each other’s academic jargon, and Tracy would learn something I couldn’t.
    When I arrived at the newspaper offices, a chipper young man in his early twenties stopped me at the security checkpoint.
    “Can I help you?” he said brightly, but with enough edge to make it plain I wasn’t getting through that gate without someone authorizing it.
    “I’d like to see Scott Weber.”
    “Do you have an appointment?”
    “Not per se. But I—I have some information that might be interesting to him,” I said, hitting upon a sudden inspiration.
    “Really. Hmm … well, unfortunately, he’s not here.” Then he winked at me. “But I will tell you that he just left the building about three seconds ago.” I guess I looked innocent enough.
    I all but sprinted out of the building, and sure enough, a man with sandy blond hair and a ruddy complexion was crossing the parking lot. He looked about the right age and was disheveled, as if he’d been up all night to meet a deadline.
    I followed him. “Excuse me, Mr. Weber?”
    He turned at his name. We met in the middle of the lot. “Yes, that’s me. Can I help you?”
    “Hi, my name is Caroline Morrow.” Again that name, though I managed to say it without grimacing this time. I was getting better. He looked at me expectantly. “I’m in the sociology department over at the University of Oregon, and I’m writing a dissertation on Jack Derber. I thought you would be a great resource for …”
    Scott starting walking away, his hand held up as if to ward me off. “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that.”
    I pulled out what I hoped would be my trump card. A little white lie that might help me get his attention.
    “One of my advisers, Adele Hinton, sent me. Said she knew you.” He stopped dead in his tracks but didn’t turn around. I wondered how far Adele’s name was going to get me, or if it was a mistake trying to fake it. I waited to see if he would turn around, counting to myself, one, two, three …
    On seven, he turned around.
    “Adele Hinton?” he seemed surprised. “Adele Hinton sent you to me?”
    “Yes, remember her? Derber’s teaching assistant? You wrote a profile of her.”
    He stood still, looking puzzled. “Yes, yes, of course, I remember her. Adele.” He looked down at his watch. “Why don’t we take a walk?”
    He motioned toward a park directly across the road and pulled out his cell phone. Holding up a finger indicating for me to wait, he walked a few steps away and made a call. I could just make out that he was rescheduling another meeting. Adele was a bigger draw than I’d expected. He must’ve had it bad.
    We walked along a neatly tended path over to an area with a half-dozen picnic tables. Scott sat down at one across from me. He seemed nervous.
    “So, Adele. How is she? I haven’t heard from her in quite some time.”
    “Oh, she’s great. Just great. You know she got tenure, right?”
    “Yes, I heard that.” He blushed at his admission. So he kept tabs on her. “I guess she’s had a change of heart?”
    “What do you mean?”
    “I mean, about the Jack Derber situation. At first she seemed to like the attention it brought her, but then it became more or less forbidden territory. But that was a long