The Reunion

it helps me when you excuse what I did? It doesn’t matter what Lilah did. It matters what
I
did. I was behind the wheel, I was driving too fast, I was over the limit. Christ. It was my fault. The fact that you…’ He tailed off suddenly.
    ‘That I what?’
    He got to his feet and turned away from her, stood in front of the window. Natalie couldn’t tell whether he was looking out at the snow or at his own reflection. ‘The fact,’ he said quietly, ‘that you are a “fucking cripple” as you put it, and that I have a shit job, the fact that I’m clearly such a total disappointment to you, that is my fault. It isn’t Lilah’s. The fact that Conor is dead, that Jen is alone, these things are my fault. It doesn’t matter what Lilah did.’
    ‘Andrew,’ she said, standing behind him, reaching her hands around his waist. ‘You’re not a disappointment to me, you could never be.’
    ‘Well, you certainly made it sound like I was, Nat. You made it sound like you were ashamed of me. I never realised until yesterday that you think our life is small, that it’s less than it should be, that
I’m
less than I should be.’
    ‘Andrew…’
    ‘Let me finish! It’s shocking enough to discover that the woman you love thinks like that, but to discover it in the way I had to, with everyone watching, with Jen watching, with Dan watching? That was unconscionable.’ Natalie rested her head against his back, she started to cry. He didn’t comfort her, he disentangled himself from her arms.
    ‘I don’t think that, I don’t.’
    ‘Well, in that case, Nat, you shouldn’t have said it. And if you don’t really think that, then I believe that the only possible reason you could have for saying it is that you wanted to hurt Lilah as much as you possibly could, you wanted to twist the knife as hard as you could. Do you think that was necessary?’ He moved her, gently but firmly, out of his way and walked to the doorway.
    ‘Wait…’
    ‘I’m going to check on Jen.’
    She sat alone, in front of the fire, feeling wretched, utterly adrift. She’d never seen him like this before, not with her. They’d had minor bust-ups, but she’d never seen him disappointed in her. She felt as though she’d lost his respect. She felt as though she deserved to lose it. And she felt that there must be something else wrong, something other than the things she’d said the day before, because when he’d got back to the house, he’d seemed pleased to see her, as though she was forgiven, as though they would be all right.
    She could hear laughter upstairs. Lilah. How was it that she managed to let everything roll off her so easily? Everything Natalie had said to her, the way she’d been exposed yesterday, she just shrugged it off and carried on as if it were nothing. As if nothing had consequence. It rankled with her.
    There was something else, too. Something he’d said in the kitchen an hour or two ago. It was like a bug, it had burrowed under her skin and it was crawling around under there, making her itch. Oh, grow up, Nat, it’s just sex. Just sex.
    By the time Andrew came back downstairs, offering to make her tea, a very small attempt at reconciliation, the itch had got to the point when it needed to be scratched.
    ‘What happened last night?’ she asked him. ‘At the hotel?’
    His shoulders rose and fell, he exhaled slowly. ‘We got to the B&B, went to the room, they brought us some food, we went to bed. We were both pretty worn out,’ he said.
    ‘You didn’t talk?’
    ‘Of course we talked.’
    ‘About?’
    ‘Ah, Natalie!’ He threw his hands up in the air. ‘We talked about a lot of things.’
    ‘Me?’
    ‘Yes, you, she was really upset about what you said.’
    ‘Oh, poor Lilah.’
    ‘Yes, poor Lilah. Jesus. She’s been through a hell of a lot, Nat.’
    ‘
She’s
been through a lot? What has she been through? What has she lost? Can you hear her up there, shagging and laughing? She doesn’t give a shit. She only ever thinks of herself. I can’t believe you’re defending her.’
    ‘I’m not defending anyone, Nat, but I think you’re being unkind…’
    ‘What happened last night? What happened?’
    ‘Hey, hey.’ Natalie turned around. Zac was standing behind her in tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt, his hair sticking up at the back. ‘Could you keep it down, yeah? I think Jen’s trying to sleep.’
    They simmered in silence for a few moments, but the argument wasn’t over.
    ‘You’re not