The Reunion

could curl up without touching her. He needed, now, to put as much space as he could between his body and Lilah’s. He closed his eyes and dreamed of Nat lying next to him: he dreamed of putting his hands on her, feeling her shiver.

 
     
    16 January 1997
    Email, from Andrew to Nat
    Dear Nat,
    I got your email yesterday, I called last night but your mum said you were really tired and had turned in early. Perhaps that’s true, but if it isn’t, I can think of at least two possible reasons why.
    You don’t want to talk to me, because, as you said in your letter, you don’t want to go on with this thing with you and me, and talking to me will only make it harder.
Lilah called you, she told you that I told her, and you’re furious with me for telling her without speaking to you first.
    Either way, I understand.
    Let me explain though, about Lilah. She came to pick me up at Basingstoke, and I realised that I couldn’t lie to her, I couldn’t just sit there and lie, I couldn’t pretend what happened between you and me didn’t happen, I couldn’t go home with her, go to bed with her, carry on with her. I couldn’t. I could have made excuses, told her I was tired, that I wasn’t feeling well… You say I know you. Well, you know me. You know I couldn’t do that, I’m not built that way. So I just told her. I told her that I’d fallen in love with you.
    The damage is done. By the time I got back last night she was gone, she’d taken some of her stuff and smashed a fair bit of mine. Dan left me a message in the early hours to say she’d turned up at his place – he said she’s going to stay there for a while. Did she call you? Whatever she said, you know that she won’t have meant it. She loves you, she will forgive you.
    If you can’t be with me, I understand that. But I won’t accept it. I won’t go away. I’m not saying I’m going to hassle you, or stalk you, or call you every night, but I’m not going away. I won’t live without you, Nat. I refuse to, not after everything you and I have been through. Perhaps, in the light of everything, I don’t deserve to be happy. But you do, and I believe, I know, more certainly than I’ve ever known anything, that I can make you happy if you let me.
    There is nothing on this earth that will stop me loving you. Sorry if I sound like a lovesick teenager, but that’s how I feel.
    I adore you, Nat. You are for me, and I’m for you.
    With love, always
    Andrew

Chapter Twenty-four

    JEN LAY ON her back, staring up at the ceiling, listening to the sound of the storm blowing itself out, the creaking of beams and floorboards as the house, having weathered another tempest, settled itself. She imagined that it must feel weary, the way she did – she felt as though she’d run a marathon, climbed a mountain. She longed for sleep, but she knew it wasn’t coming, not with her mind running over and over the events of the past twenty-four hours, the wreckage of the reunion.
    In the final analysis, the weekend could, it was safe to say, be termed a disaster. A fractious beginning, a vicious fight in the middle and – who knew what end? She didn’t hold out much hope for a joyous reconciliation when Andrew and Lilah came back. If they managed to make it back at all. She could only hope and pray that they ploughed the road on Sundays.
    Still, she hadn’t been lying when she told Dan she was glad he’d come. Maybe she shouldn’t have thrown them all together as she had, that was foolish, but she didn’t regret inviting them, being able to tell Andrew about the baby, laughing on the living-room floor with Nat, talking to Dan, him holding her hand by the fire.
    There was a soft tap at her door and Dan appeared, as though conjured up by her imagination.
    ‘You sleeping, Jen?’
    ‘Not yet. Come in.’
    He shuffled in slowly, holding his phone out in front of him to light the way.
    ‘I blew out all the candles save one,’ he said. ‘I’ll take it to bed with me.’
    ‘OK. Are you all right?’
    ‘I’m fine, yeah.’
    ‘Are you still nervous?’
    ‘No. What do you mean?’
    Even in the dark, she could tell his face was colouring. She smiled to herself. ‘Oh, nothing. I thought you were a bit jumpy earlier.’
    ‘Yeah, all right. I have an over-active imagination.’ He squeezed her leg through the blanket.
    ‘I know you do. I find this place creepy, too, don’t worry. I’ve had many a night lying here in the dark, too terrified to move because I’m