The Ritual

else?
    ‘Man, I’m sorry.’ He could barely get the words out.
    ‘Mmm?’
    ‘What I did. I can’t believe I did that. I’m just . . . angry. All the time. It’s not right. I’m not dealing with things . . . well.’
    ‘I can be an arsehole.’
    They sat in silence again, until Dom broke it. ‘Do you think anyone is happy?’
    ‘Never can tell.’
    ‘It’s like you said, it’s all about P.R. these days. Brand management. Social networking. The corporatization of our own experience. We’re all our very own communications
directors. But what a load of bollocks it all is when you’re faced by something like this.’
    ‘Kind of levels the playing field.’
    ‘Sweeps all of that bullshit away. All that really matters is being able to survive. Some do it better than others.’
    ‘I guess.’
    ‘You do. You can do this.’
    Luke did not know what to say.
    ‘Out here. You’re good out here. Better at this shit than me and Phil. Maybe Hutch too, for all his poncing with stoves and tents. You’ve still got that instinct.’
    Was it a compliment?
    ‘Once Hutch was gone, me and Phil were fucked. We wouldn’t have got this far without you. For all the good it’s done us. But at least you got us closer to the end of these
bastard trees.’
    Luke snorted back a laugh. ‘It’s the other world I can’t cope with. I’m hopeless in it.’
    ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself.’
    Luke nodded, sighed, but had always felt unable to take advice like that.
    ‘I don’t think any of us knew how to be happy,’ Dom said, his voice deeper than usual, wistful. ‘Maybe Hutch got it right. He kept it simple. Kept it real. Didn’t
overextend himself. Picked a low-maintenance woman. Looked after himself. But the rest of us haven’t done so well, mate, when you look a bit more closely at the ledger. What me and Phil had
is gone. All of it. We ended up a pair of fatties, about to be divorced, looking at the prospect of limited access to our kids. A couple of fat bastards who couldn’t even manage a walk in the
woods.’
    Luke laughed. And laughed until his face was warm and running with tears.
    ‘Eh?’ Dom continued, smiling through his own tears. ‘Phil married a nightmare too. That was his problem. Poor bastard. That bitch will get everything now. What she always
wanted. Let’s hope she gets the debts too. But Gayle . . .’ He paused, and exhaled. When he spoke again his voice was almost a whisper. ‘She won’t be able to cope with this,
and the kids too. That’s why I want to get out. I have to. I just have to. Her parents are too old. The nippers won’t get over . . .’ Dom cleared his throat. Blew air out with all
the might of his lungs.
    ‘Now’s not the time, Domja. Keep it together. Big fat crying . . .’
    They sat in silence again. Against Luke’s back, Dom’s body felt warmer.
    Luke turned his head. ‘We’ll do it, mate. We’ll do it. Tomorrow. And take a word of your own advice, and don’t beat yourself up. Not now. Not here. I take my hat off to
you guys. I do. I always have done. You’ve all done good.’ He paused.‘What I said. The other night. Was bollocks. I was just transferring. Bad habit.’ He blew out a long
tired sigh. ‘I always envied you guys. You know that?’
    ‘Be careful what you wish for,’ Dom said, then cleared his throat of emotion.
    ‘I’ve always been proud of you lot.’
    ‘And we’ve always been fascinated by what you were getting up to. At least you had a go. Did things a bit differently. Wanted something else.’
    ‘It came to nothing. That’s all I know.’
    Dom shrugged, sighed. ‘We were all fairly monogamous guys. Got into relationships and stayed in them. Then kids. At least you got to throw the hump a few times.’
    Luke smiled.
    ‘And we all went back to our home towns after uni. Stayed put. It made life easier, Luke. Things were cheaper when we all graduated. We got houses. Kept the same jobs, until recently.
I’ve never done anything else but play it safe. And Phil. At least you and Hutch had a go at something else. That’s got to count for something? And nothing is really safe. Is it? None
of us knew what life would throw at us. Everyone is fucked up, Luke. Damaged. We’re all messed up, underneath. Doesn’t matter what kind of house you live in.’
    They sat in silence again for a while. In which Luke felt awkward and ashamed: after what he’d done to Dom, after what he had said, here was his friend, injured, cold and