The Science of Discworld II

one they had ever needed.
    Nevertheless, there were ones who had survived for many thousands of years, and while they had no great intelligence they had accumulated that mass of observations, experience, cynicism and memory that can pass for wisdom among people who don’t know any better. One of the wisest things they did was not read.
    They had found some clerks to read the play.
    They listened.
    Then, when it was over, the Queen said: ‘And the wizards have been showing great interest in this man?’
    â€˜Yes, your majesty,’ said one of the old ones.
    The Queen frowned. ‘This … play is … good. It treats us … kindly. We are firm but fair with mortals. We offer rewards to those who deal well with us. Our beauty is satisfactorily referred to. Our … issues with our husband are treated more romantically than I would like, but, nevertheless … it is positive, it enhances us, it places us yet more firmly in the human world. One of the wizards was actually carrying this.’
    One of the senior elves cleared its throat. ‘Our grip is loosening, your majesty. Humanity is becoming more, shall we say, questioning?’
    The Queen shot it a glance. But it was older than many Queens, and did not step back.
    â€˜You think it will do us harm? Is it a plot against us?’
    The senior elves looked at one another. The main reason that they thought it was a plot was that they were predisposed to see plots. In the court of Faerie, an inability to see it coming meant that it took you by the throat.
    â€˜We think it may be,’ one said at last.
    â€˜How? In what way?’
    â€˜We know the wizards have been seen in the company of the author,’ said the elf.
    â€˜Then perhaps they are endeavouring to stop him writing the play, have you thought of that?’ snapped the Queen. ‘Can you see any way in which those words harm us?’
    â€˜We are agreed that we cannot … nevertheless, we have a sense that in some way—’
    â€˜It is so simple! At last we are done some real honour and the wizards will try to stop it! Are you so stupid that you cannot see that?’
    Her long dress swirled as she turned on her heel. ‘It will happen,’ she said. ‘I will see to it!’
    The senior elves filed out, not looking at her face. They knew those moods.
    On the stairs one said to the others: ‘Purely out of interest … can any of us put a girdle around the Earth in three minutes?’
    â€˜That would be a very big girdle,’ said an elf.
    â€˜And would you wish to be called Peaseblossom?’
    The eyes of the old elf were grey, flecked with silver. They had seen horrible things under many suns, and in most cases had enjoyed them. Humans were a valuable crop, the elf conceded. There had never been a species like it for depth of awe, terror and superstition. No other species could create such monsters in its heads. But sometimes, it considered, they were not worth the effort.
    â€˜I think not,’ it said.
    â€˜Well, now, Will – do you mind if I call you Will? Oh, Dean, fetch Will another pint of this really unpleasant ale, will you? Now … where was I … oh yes, I really enjoyed that play of yours. Magnificent, I thought!’ Ridcully beamed. Around him, the inn hummed with life.
    Will tried to focus. ‘Which one was that, good sir?’ he said.
    Ridcully’s smile remained fixed, but began to unravel around the edges. He was never one for unnecessary reading.
    â€˜The one with the king in it,’ he said, aiming for safety.
    On the other side of the table Rincewind did some desperate pantomime.
    â€˜The rabbit,’ said Ridcully. ‘The rat. The ferret. Sounds like … hat. Rat. Rodent. Thing with teeth.’
    Rincewind gave up, leaned across and whispered.
    â€˜Something about the shrew,’ said Ridcully. Rincewind whispered a little harder.
    â€˜The one about the tame shrew. The man married a shrew. A shrewish woman. Not a real shrew, obviously, haha. No one would marry a real shrew. It would be a completely foolish idea.’
    Will blinked. He was not, as an actor and a writer, averse to alcohol bought by other people, and these people were being very good hosts. It was just that they seemed to be completely deranged.
    â€˜Er … I thank you,’ he said. He was aware of being stared at, and also of a strange but not unpleasant animal smell. He turned on the bench