The Science of Discworld IV

background,
Nature
425 (2003) 593.

SEVENTEEN
----
THE WIZARD FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE DEAN

    The black gallery wasn’t as black or foreboding as Marjorie had expected; it was just filled with pictures of long-deceased people with no indication of how they had become deceased, these facts lost now to memory as well as to life.
    The wizards went into a huddle, and she heard the Archchancellor say, ‘Look! We have always known we were not your average planet; after all, we have sometimes passed other more
ordinary
planets as the turtle has moved, and often as you know by occult ways and means. I think the opposition will try to say that
we
are somehow on a freak world. I am debating with myself whether or not to allow them to feel that is the way forward. What do you say, Mister Stibbons?’
    Ponder nodded. ‘A sensible plan, Archchancellor. If we live in a freak world, then surely we are all freaks; though somehow I do not think this will sit well with the population at large, especially the dwarfs who take offence at that sort of thing.’
    ‘Offending small people as well, then? Capital!’
    Ponder shuddered, then very carefully said, ‘Very droll, Archchancellor, but I fear that little codicil might just do more harm than good, sir. Oh, and the Dean has arrived from Pseudopolis, and has made that inspection tour of Roundworld that you told Rincewind to arrange. He will be happy to testify. I thought you should know, Archchancellor.’
    Ponder edged away a little; the subject of the Dean, or more accurately the person
formerly
known as the Dean, generally had the same effect on Mustrum Ridcully as the dropping of a hint in a game of chess – you did it at your peril. On the other hand, the Archchancellor could be mercurial at times, one of these times fortunately being
now
.
    ‘Henry! So he did get my message then. That’s nice of him, but of course he secretly yearns for the old
Alma Pater
.’ fn1
    Ponder sighed with relief. Relationships with Pseudopolis University had been rather dire after the Dean had left to become Archchancellor there; there had been much muttering about there being only one
arch
Chancellor on Discworld. But time had healed as it proverbially does, and relationships between the two universities were back to the standard for universities everywhere – which is to say they were keeping a friendly eye on the opposition, while politely and privately misleading them if necessary, but always
smiling
whilst doing so.
    The Dean, still recovering from his visit to Roundworld, arrived in the gallery, breathless. He shook hands with Ridcully, who said, ‘You will have to be my ace in the hole, Henry. So happy that you could come in time.’
    ‘Don’t mention it, Mustrum! Nobody can tell wizards what to do – except of course
other
wizards! And even then they will argue and find fault, hurrah!’
    ‘Hurrah! Indeed, Henry! We test, test and test again – we are extremely testy people, and we would argue with our own grandmother if we thought she was wrong. “
Nullius in verba
”: we take
nobody’s
word for anything – including our own. The truth does not distil out of the air; it has to be thought – pursued, in fact!’
    ‘Yes indeed, old chap, and that at some cost. Faith can move mountains, but only as a metaphor, and the gods, if they exist, exist as bystanders.’
    ‘Hang on a minute, old fellow. What about Anoia, the goddess of things that get stuck in drawers? I myself was disembogued of a particularly difficult ladle by her, thanks be – but of course this is hardly worship: it is a simple mercantile matter. She keeps our drawers rattle-free, and our belief keeps her going.
Quid pro quo
, but without the quid.’
    The Dean was enjoying the argument immensely. ‘But we must remember, Mustrum,’ he pointed out, ‘that Discworld and Roundworld are entirely different things, albeit that – as has been said – they have quite a lot in common. Well, when you forget about the turtle and if you ignore that terrifying core of overheated iron. Then you don’t really notice any difference, apart from the trolls, and so on. As Lord Vetinari says, sooner or later it all comes down to people and the commonality of mankind.’
    The two Archchancellors were suddenly aware of the silence in the large room; they were the centre of attention and it seemed that everybody, some even holding teacups, was staring like people might if they saw two lobsters having a dance for no other reason