The Science of Discworld IV

Rincewind said, ‘I told you about the automobiles, didn’t I? Terrible waste of resources. Honestly, is this really
Homo sapiens
? Horses breed other horses, eat grass and you get fertiliser as well; don’t you remember the street cries of “Tuppence a bucket, well stamped down”?’
    ‘Yes,’ said the Dean. ‘I also remember “gardyloo”, and it wasn’t very pleasant. I must admit, though, that they have progressed in this era – but I think at enormous cost, which most of them don’t recognise, although right now I see people in very decent health: lots of colour, no heads on railings … all in all, if you don’t think too hard … though
we
know what’s coming their way.’ Then the Dean pointed to a building in the distance and said, ‘Fairly big place there; I’m sure I’ve seen it before.’
    ‘You have,’ said Rincewind. ‘You remember the Great Fire of London? We helped Mister Pepys to bury his Parmesan cheese.’
    ‘Oh, right. I wonder if the fellow got it back again?’
    ‘No,’ said Rincewind. ‘I asked him where he put it, and I couldn’t remember either, so I went back to the moment when he buried it and doubled up myself; if you remember, Mrs Whitlow was very happy to see it. I figured that since he was going to forget the cheese
anyway
… well, it would be such a wicked shame to let it go to waste.’
    ‘It was a bad move,’ said the Dean. ‘Causality, you see.’
    ‘Don’t talk to me about causality,’ said Rincewind. ‘It hasn’t done me that many favours, what with one thing and another. But since we are here and chatting, I have to ask: well, what did you
do
to
make
this place? I mean, you say you just put your hand in some firmament and, if I may quote, you “wiggled it about”. I must say, I can understand that in a slightly not understanding way, but what about the continents and all that? There’s an awful lot of fine detail, like squirrels and creatures and fish, and amazing things on coral reefs; seriously amazing things. And while we’re on the subject, full marks for putting the Moon in the right place to get tides. Tides in, tides out:
very
clever idea – not only a beach-cleaning service, but also making it easier for crawling things to come out of the sea. I would take off my hat to you, if I ever took my hat off; well done, I say!’
    They strolled a little further towards the dome-shaped place in the distance, and at last the Dean said, ‘Rincewind. Indeed,
Professor
Rincewind, I understand that you are a very learned head when itcomes to Cruel and Unusual Geography. Egregious Professor of it, indeed! But I feel I must tell you this.’ The Dean cleared his throat, as if for a statement of enormous moment and worth. ‘I didn’t do a thing. I didn’t plan a thing. I didn’t frame the fearful symmetry of the tyger, of which it appears there are now all too few. No! It all just
happened
.’
    ‘But you—’ Rincewind began.
    ‘Oh, of course I take an interest in the place – it would be remiss of me to do otherwise,’ the Dean continued, adding, ‘but I’ve never tried it again. I wouldn’t like to take the responsibility.’ They strolled on a bit and he said, ‘I’m quite getting the hang of this era, and my feet hurt. Let’s take a cab; at least these days you no longer have to scrape the horse dung off your boots.’
    He snapped his fingers and a cab halted so quickly that the driver was nearly thrown out; still bemused, he watched as the two figures got in and two seat belts miraculously strapped themselves up.
    Without even looking at the driver, the Dean said, ‘You will drive us to the place under the dome over there; you will have had an indecently high tip, and when we get out of your moving apparatus you will totally forget that we were ever in it. Thank you so much.’
    When the wizards stepped into St Paul’s, the Dean sighed. ‘Most excellent work. I’ve always thought it worth a fire or two, and for that matter some Parmesan cheese: wonderful architecture, intelligent design! Old Bill got it right, didn’t he: “What a piece of work is a man.” I do not claim the credit, but these people have done some wonderful things, you must admit. With our help, of course – the occasional nudge here and there …’
    ‘No,’ said Rincewind. ‘I’ve explored Roundworld all too often, one way or the other, and let me tell you, my friend, nudges or no nudges, that it is a good job I can run fast. But I’ll tell you