The Science of Discworld IV

giggling; his lordship had said
modern times
like a duchess finding a caterpillar in her soup.
    Lord Vetinari looked around at the crowd, frowned at the desks in front of him, and said, ‘Mister Slant, who is a foremost arbiter of the law, will assist me and advise me on aspects as relevant.’ He raised his voice and continued, ‘This, ladies and gentlemen, is not a criminal court! Indeed, I am slightly at a loss as to what kind of court it
is
, since the law works in the temporal sphere with its feet firmly on the ground. Therefore, with the two parties in this case planning to engage a number of, shall we say, experts in the celestial, as well as in the mundane sphere—’ Lord Vetinari looked around and said, ‘Shouldn’t I have a gavel? You know, one of those things judges bang on the table. I feel quite naked without one.’
    A gavel was acquired from somewhere at speed and handed to his Lordship, who banged it once or twice in a kind of happiness.
    ‘Well, this seems to work; and now I call the counsel for the plaintiffs. Over to you, Mister Stackpole; you have the floor.’
    Marjorie craned to see Mister Stackpole, but could only make out the top of a head. The voice emanating from it had a curious tone, as if its owner was actually vibrating. He said, ‘A small point, my Lord, but I am a priest of the Omnian faith, and generally addressed as “Reverend”.’
    Lord Vetinari looked interested and said, ‘Really. I shall make a note of that. Please continue, Mister Stackpole.’
    Marjorie really wished she could see the face of the Reverend Stackpole. Her father, when he was alive, had quite liked being called‘Mister’; he once told her that he could never think of himself as ‘Reverend’ – he never
felt
like a ‘Reverend’, but was just happy in his job at St John’s-on-the-Water where everybody knew him and he knew everybody.
    She looked up out of the mist of memory, because the
Reverend
Mister Stackpole was making his opening statement.
    ‘My Lord, we of the Latter-Day Omnian faith know that the world is
round
, and the discovery of Roundworld vindicates our faith. The ridiculous notion that the world travels on the back of an enormous turtle is entirely false. How can it exist in the vastness of space? How can it feed? Where did it come from? Fantasy, my Lord, nothing but fantasy! Unseen University’s custody of Roundworld is indefensible: it constitutes a serious violation of the theological property rights of the Church of the Latter-Day Omnians! The concept of a round world has been central to our faith for centuries.’ He took a deep breath and continued, ‘Justice
demands
that Roundworld should be in the possession of my brethren – and, of course, sistren – who are undoubtedly more capable of looking after it than the so-called wizards, who profess to know all the secrets of the multiverse, yet do not even know the true form of their own world! I appreciate that they can occasionally be of some
practical
use, but wizards should not be allowed to engage in celestial or ecclesiastical matters. They acquired this artefact by accident, and they have no right to retain it. In their hands it is a blasphemous caricature of our own
round
world, as created by the great god Om!’
    Lord Vetinari glanced at the paperwork in front of him and said, ‘Mister Stackpole, I am a little puzzled here: enlighten me if I am wrong, but surely did we not, several years ago at great expense, send a dragon-powered flying machine known as the
Kite
on a mission initially to reach the home of the gods? It was designed and captained by Leonard of Quirm, was launched over the edge with extra momentum given by a number of swamp dragons, and subsequently landed on the Moon where a few samples were taken of the flora and faunasuch as it turned out to be. Ultimately it crashed at the triumphal end of its mission – fortuitously without any fatalities – but the crew saw the turtle from every direction. It certainly existed, and Leonard himself produced quite a number of paintings –
lifelike
paintings. The three people who accompanied him on the voyage also testified about what they had seen.
    ‘I’m curious: do you believe that this
did not happen
? I’m perplexed. I am also aware that on many occasions explorers have climbed to the edge and seen the turtle, and indeed the elephants. Granted, their presence is unlikely, but unlikely things happen all the time – so they are in fact quite likely,