The stupidest angel: a heartwarming tale of Christmas terror

button for his home number.

    "Is Val wearing the pearl earrings?" Gabe asked. "I bought her those."

    "Diamonds studs," said Tuck, checking over his shoulder.

    "Dammit."

    "Look at Lena in that Santa hat. That woman has a talent with tinsel, if you know what I mean?"

    "No idea," said Gabe.

    "Me either. It just sounded kinky," said Tuck.

    Theo snapped the cell phone shut. "I hate both you guys."

    "Do not," said Tuck.

    "No service?" asked Gabe.

    "I'm going to see if the police radio in my car is working."
    * * *
    Rain was pooling in the graveyard behind the chapel as the dead pulled one another from the muck.
    "This looked easier in the movies," said Jimmy Antalvo, who was waist-deep in a puddle and being pulled out by Marty in the Morning and the new guy in the red suit. Jimmy's words were a little slurred and slurpy, between the mud and a facial structure that was mostly mortician's wax and wire. "I thought I'd never get out of that coffin."

    "Kid, you're better off than a couple we've pulled out," said Marty in the Morning. He nodded to a very feeble and mostly decomposed pile of animated meat that had at one time been an electrician. The mushy thing made a moaning sound.

    "Who's that?" asked Jimmy. The torrential rain had washed the mud out of his eyes.

    "That's Alvin," said Marty. "All we can understand from him."

    "I used to talk to him all the time," said Jimmy.

    "It's different now," said the guy in the red suit. "Now you're really talking, not just thinking it. His talking equipment is past warranty."

    Marty, who had been portly in life but had slimmed down significantly since his death, bent down and got a good grip on Jimmy's arm, bending the elbow around his own, then made a great straining lift to pull the kid out. There was a loud pop and Marty went over backward into the mud. Jimmy Antalvo was waving around an empty leather jacket sleeve and yelling, "My arm! My arm!"

    "Jeez, they should have sewn that on better," said Marty, holding the arm in the air, even as the hand appeared to be doing a very jerky version of a parade wave.

    "This whole undead rigmarole is disgusting," said Esther, the schoolteacher, who was standing to the side with a few others who had already been dug up. Water was pouring off the shreds of her best church dress, which had been reduced by time to calico tatters. "I'll not have anything to do with it."

    "So you're not hungry?" said the new guy, muddy rainwater streaming out of his Santa beard. He'd been the first one out, since he hadn't had to escape a coffin.

    "Fine, once we get the kid out we'll just push you back down your hole."

    "I'm not saying that," said Esther. "I would enjoy a snack. Something light. Mavis Sand, maybe. That woman can't have enough brains to spread on a cracker."

    "Then shut up and help us get everyone out."

    Nearby, Malcolm Cowley was staring disapprovingly at one of the less articulate members of the undead who had been pulled from his grave and was showing lots of bare bone between the meat. The dead book dealer was wringing out his tweed jacket and shaking his head at every comment. "Suddenly we are all gluttons, are we? Well, I have always enjoyed Danish Modern furniture for its functional yet elegant design, so once we have consumed the brains of these revelers, I feel compelled to seek out one of these furniture boutiques I have heard so much about from newlyweds in the chapel. First we feast, then IKEA."

    "IKEA," chanted the dead. "First we feast, then IKEA. First we feast, then IKEA."

    "Can I eat the constable's wife's brain?" asked Arthur Tannbeau. "She sounds like she'll be spicy – "

    "Get everyone out of the ground, then we eat," said the new guy, who was used to telling people what to do.

    "Who died and made you boss?" asked Bess Leander.

    "All of you," answered Dale Pearson.

    "The man has a point," said Marty in the Morning.

    "I think while you boys finish up here, I'll have a stroll around the parking lot. Oh my, I don't seem to be walking very well," said Esther, dragging one foot behind her and plowing a furrow in the mud as she moved. "But IKEA does sound like a delightful after-supper adventure."

    No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture.
    * * *
    Across the parking lot, Theophilus Crowe was busy having the water in his ears replaced with dog spit.
    "Get down, Skinner." Theo pushed the big dog away and keyed the mike on the police