The Truth About Faking

“Like boyfriend and girlfriend. That’s why I acted that way.”
    “I know,” he smiles. “Ricky told me.”
    My jaw drops. “Ricky told you?”
    “Yeah. He really wanted me to tell you the truth that first night.”
    I think about Ricky and Trent at his house that afternoon. Then I remember his sad eyes when we talked about Ricky being gone.
    “Were you and Ricky…” I hesitate. “Together?”
     Trent smiles and his cheeks turn a little pink. “No,” he says. “He’s too old.”
    “He’s not that old,” I say. Shelly had a crush on Ricky. Then again, Shelly’s had a crush on almost every guy.
    “Well, he says he is.” I watch Trent pull a blade of grass.
    I can’t believe it. All this time I thought Ricky was Dad’s big rival. “So you wanted to date him?”
    Trent shrugs. Then he shakes his head. “I guess he’s right,” he says. “There’s no way. But I liked talking to him. It made me feel… not so alone.”
    I frown at that. I don’t want him to feel alone. I want to help him. He’s trusted me and we’re friends now, but I don’t know what I can do. He’s right about being different. No matter what the grownups say, people do put you in boxes and label you. And they do gossip and say mean things. And it does matter. Maybe not to everyone, but it will to Trent’s mom. And it will to other parents, to other kids.
    He starts to get up. “Well, I’d better do it now,” he says. “Before I change my mind.”
    I watch him stand and gaze out at the water one more time.
    “Do you want me to come with you?”
    “No,” he says.
    “You can call me.”
    He looks back at me and smiles. “Thanks, Harley.”
    I watch him leave and the urge to cry comes over me again. I lean against the tree and wish Jason were here. I want things to be right between us so badly. I want him to put his arms around me and kiss me. I want him to smooth my hair back, and I want to smell his warm, citrusey scent. Then I remember Stephanie, and what she said, how angry he was. I look back at the creek and bite my lip. It cannot end this way. I have to fix this. Operation Get Jason Back is still in effect, and this time it’s not based on a dream or a childhood list or a silly head-injury rescue outside the gym. I know Jason, and I know how it’s been between us. He cares about me, and I care about him. How we feel is real, and I’m not flaking out this time. I’m going to be assertive, and I’m going to win.

Sixteen
     
     
    Dad’s sermon is on forgiveness. I can’t believe it. I’ve heard him talk about this before, of course. About how choosing not to forgive someone is like putting you and that person in chains. It ties you together and drags you both down, and even if you can’t forget, you can always choose to forgive.
    I look at my mom, and think about how good it feels to forgive her. How hopeful I am that things are back on track with us. As usual, she’s looking at Dad like he’s saying the most amazing things, and I’m certain that she’s formulating her own philosophical spin on his sermon. Something they’ll discuss over lunch while I think about everything that happened last night and the night before.
    The Doxology comes, and as I sing, I scan the room. Stephanie isn’t here. Trent and his mom aren’t here. Of course, Jason isn’t here. I think about the time I complained to Mom that it never seems like the people who need to hear what Dad is saying are present when he says it. She said something like God knows who’s going to be here before the day even comes. I’d said I wished God paid closer attention to what’s going on in the present.
    I sing out the Amen, and on cue everyone stands and surges toward the back doors. I descend from my perch and quietly follow them out. I feel a flicker of hope as I reach the exit remembering last week. Jason was outside waiting by the tree. But he isn’t there today.
    I think about him the whole ride home and wonder if I can skip lunch and go see him. But when we get to the house, I see Ricky’s car.
    “I’ve got to get those forms signed for Ricky,” Mom says, reaching for the door handle. “It’ll only take a second and then we can have lunch.”
    Dad gets out and goes inside. Mom walks over to the car, and I watch her talking to him. Then she says something, and he gets out and follows her into the house.
    He’s alone in the kitchen when I enter. Mom isn’t here, and he’s at the counter looking out the window. He