Thief of Time

Lu-Tze. But that wasn’t a good way forward.
    “It was just obvious,” he said. “You sort of shine through. It’s like putting a sheet over an elephant. You might not be able to see it, but you’re sure the elephant’s still there.”
    Kaos looked wretched.
    “I don’t know,” he said, “it’s been a long time—”
    “Oh? And I thought you said you were Number One?” said Lu-Tze, deciding on a new approach. “Sorry! Still, I suppose it’s not your fault you’ve lost a few skills over the centuries, what with one thing and—”
    “Lost skills?” snapped Kaos, waving a finger under the sweeper’s nose. “I could certainly take you to the cleaners, you little maggot!”
    “What with, a dangerous yogurt?” said Lu-Tze, climbing off the cart. Kaos leaped down after him.
    “Where do you get off, talking to me like that?” he demanded.
    Lu-Tze glanced up.
    “Corner of Merchant and Broad Way,” he said. “So what?”
    Kaos roared. He tore off his striped apron and his white cap. He seemed to grow in size. Darkness evaporated off him like smoke.
    Lu-Tze folded his hands and grinned.
    “Remember Rule One,” he said.
    “Rules? Rules?! I’m Kaos!”
    “Who was the first?” said Lu-Tze.

“Yes!”
    “Creator and Destroyer?”
    “Right!”
    “Apparently complicated, apparently patternless behavior that nevertheless has a simple, deterministic explanation and is a key to new levels of understanding of the multidimensional universe?”
    “You’d better believe it—what?”
    “Got to move with the times, mister, got to keep up!” shouted Lu-Tze excitedly, hopping from foot to foot. “You’re what people think you are! And they’ve changed you! I hope you’re good at sums!”
    “You can’t tell me what to be !” Kaos roared. “I’m Kaos!”
    “You don’t think so? Well, your big comeback ain’t gonna happen now that the Auditors have taken over! The rules , mister! That’s what they are! They’re the cold, dead rules !”
    Silver lightning flickered in the walking cloud that had once been Ronnie. Then cloud, cart, and horse vanished.
    “Well, could have been worse, I suppose,” said Lu-Tze to himself. “Not a very bright lad, really. Possibly a bit too old-fashioned.”
    He turned around and found a crowd of Auditors watching him. There were dozens of them.
    He sighed and grinned his sheepish little grin. He’d had just about enough for one day.
    “Well, I expect you have heard of Rule One, right?” he said.
    That seemed to give them pause. One said: “We know millions of rules, human.”
    “Billions. Trillions,” said another.
    “Well, you can’t attack me ,” said Lu-Tze, “’cos of Rule One.”
    The nearest Auditors went into a huddle.
    “It must involve gravitation.”
    “No, quantum effects. Obviously.”
    “Logically, there cannot be a Rule One because at that point there would be no concept of plurality.”
    “But if there is not a Rule One, can there be any other rules? If there is no Rule One, where is Rule Two?”
    “There are millions of rules! They cannot fail to be numbered!”
    Wonderful, thought Lu-Tze. All I have to do is wait until their heads explode.
    But an Auditor stepped forward. It looked more wild-eyed than the others, and was much more unkempt. It was also carrying an ax.
    “We do not have to discuss this,” it snapped. “We must think: this is nonsense, we will not discuss it!”
    “But what is Rule—” an Auditor began.
    “You will call me Mr. White!”
    “Mr. White, what is Rule One?”
    “I am not glad you asked that question!” screamed Mr. White and swung the ax. The body of the other Auditor crumbled in around the blade, dissolving into floating motes that dispersed in a fine cloud.
    “Anyone else got any questions?” said Mr. White, raising the ax again.
    One or two Auditors, not yet entirely in tune with current developments, opened their mouths to speak. And shut them again.
    Lu-Tze took a few steps back. He prided himself on an incredibly well-honed ability to talk his way in or out of anything, but that rather depended on a passably sane entity being involved at the other end of the dialogue.
    Mr. White turned to Lu-Tze.
    “What are you doing out of your place, organic?”
    But Lu-Tze was overhearing another, whispered conversation. It was coming from the other side of a nearby wall, and it went like this:
    “Who cares about the damn wording!”
    “Accuracy is important, Susan. There is a precise