Too Far 01- Fallen Too Far

started to eat me alive. Seeing your eyes when you told me about your sister and your mom. God, I swear you ripped my heart out that night, Blaire. I will never get over that.” Rush walked over to me and I was unable to move.
    I understood. I did. But in the understanding I’d lost my own heart. It all was a lie. My entire life. It was a lie. All those memories. The Christmases that mom baked cookies and Dad held Valerie and I up so we could decorate the top of the tree were all false. They couldn’t be real. I believed Rush. It didn’t change how I viewed my mother. She wasn’t here to tell her side to the story. I knew enough to know that she was innocent. She couldn’t be anything but. This was all my father’s sin.
    “I swear to you that as much as I love my sister if I could go back and change things I would. I would have NEVER gone to see your dad. Ever. I’m so sorry, Blaire. I’m so fucking sorry.” His voice broke and I lifted my eyes to see his eyes wet with unshed tears.
    If he hadn’t gone to see my dad, things would have been so different. But neither of us could change the past no matter how badly we wanted to. Neither of us could make this right. Nan had her father now. She had what she’d always wanted. So, did Georgianna.
    I had me.
    “I can’t tell you that I forgive you,” I said. Because I couldn’t. “But I can tell you that I understand why you did what you did. It altered my world. That can never be changed.”
    A lone tear ran down Rush’s face. I couldn’t reach up and wipe it away just like the tears were now gone for me. “I don’t want to lose you. I’m in love with you Blaire. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone the way I want you. I can’t imagine my world now without you in it.”
    I would always only have just me. Because this man had taken my heart and destroyed it. Even if he hadn’t meant to. I’d never trust enough to love again.
    “I can’t love you, Rush.”
    A choked sob rocked his body as he dropped his head in my lap. I didn’t console him. I couldn’t. How did I soothe his ache when mine was a big gaping hole large enough for both of us to fit in?
    “You don’t have to love me. Just don’t leave me,” he said against my leg.
    Would my life always be full of loss? I hadn’t been able to tell my sister goodbye when she left that day and never returned. I had refused to tell my mother goodbye that morning when she told me it was almost time. She’d closed her eyes and never opened them again. I knew once Rush left this room that it would be the last time I saw him. It would be our final goodbye. I couldn’t move on with my life if he was in it. He would always hinder my healing.
    But I wanted my goodbye this time. This was my final goodbye and this time I wanted a chance to say it properly. I couldn’t say the words. They refused to come. My need to protect my mother’s name stood between me and the words I knew Rush needed to hear. I couldn’t tell him I forgave him knowing that he was the reason my dad had walked out and never come back. He had taken my dad away that day even if he hadn’t known the damage that picture would do.
    None of that changed how I had felt for Rush before he’d blown my world into a million pieces. I would get my goodbye.

Chapter Twenty- Seven

    “Rush.”
    He lifted his head. His face was wet with tears. I wouldn’t wipe them. They served a purpose. I stood up and unsnapping my shirt and slipped it off to lay it down on the bed. I then discarded my bra. Rush’s eyes never left my body. The confusion on his face was expected. I couldn’t explain this. I just needed it.
    I pushed down the shorts I was wearing and stepped out of them. Then slipped off my shoes and slowly took off my panties. Once I was completely bare. I stepped over to straddle Rush’s legs. His hands wrapped around me immediately and he buried his face in my stomach. The wetness from his tears was cold against my skin causing me to shiver.
    “What are you doing, Blaire?” Rush asked pulling back just enough to look up at me. I couldn’t answer that.
    I grabbed handfuls of his shirt and pulled at it until he raised his arms and let me pull it over his head and toss it aside. Sinking down until I was sitting in his lap, I slipped my hands behind his head and kissed him. Slowly. This was the last time. Rush’s hands were in my hair and he took over immediately. Each caress of his tongue was gentle and easy. He wasn’t hungry and