Under the Dusty Sky (Holloway Farms)

overloaded that I feel numb and don’t trust myself to do anything but keep the truck on the road.
    She stops my hand on her knee.
    “ And here. Weak.”
    Her leg relaxes as she begins to pull my hand up her inner thigh this time. I grip the steering wheel so tight I think I might actually break it while my other hand feels only the softness of her skin. Until my fingers touch the hem of her shorts.
    Like a bucket of cold water thrown in my face, I snatch my hand back and grip the steering wheel.
    “ God dammit, Gracie. Stop. You’re drunk.” I frantically push my hand through my hair and stretch my neck, trying to crush out this feeling. These feelings. Too many of them.
    “ See, you feel it too. But you don’t love me. You said it yourself. You don’t even know me. Feelings fade. Eventually, you won’t feel them anymore, but you’ll always have the memory.” Her voice is slurred and crackly, but it doesn’t really sound like she’s talking to me.
    I look down at her again, and she’s staring blankly at my stomach. Her eyes glaze with a layer of tears over the layer of drunk, and she shifts her body. I hit a bump in the gravel, and the truck swerves slightly.
    Gracie shoots up into the sitting position, startling me, and I hit the brakes. She throws her hand over her mouth and turns a wide-eyed stare my way.
    “ I’m gunna puke.” She mutters behind her fingers, and then her chest heaves as she gags.
    I stop the truck abruptly in the middle of the road as she struggles with the door, but she’s not coordinated enough to get it. If she pukes in here, I’m walking home.
    I push my door open violently and reach across the seat, grabbing Gracie under her arms and heaving her as hard as I can toward me.
    I jump from the truck, dragging her out with me, and we both go to our knees in the gravel. I grab as much of her hair as I can get and brace her across her chest so she doesn’t fall face first in it.
    I look straight up as she retches loudly over and over onto the gravel road, under a clear black sky dotted with more stars than I’ve ever seen in my life.
    One quick flash flies overhead. A shooting star zips by, and even though I’m not the wishing type, I make one.
    For strength. That’s all. Strength to survive the summer. To survive the heat and the work. To survive Gracie.
    I’d say the strength to not fall into my old ways, but I think it’s too late for that now.
    ***
    She’s still fast asleep as I set her on her feet in front of the broken down old barn. Her head falls against my chest, and I shake her shoulders lightly.
    “ Gracie, you have to get up. That’s it. Open your eyes.”
    She makes a groaning noise, and her eyes flutter.
    “ Where are we?” She mumbles, and I kick the rock that blocks the entrance to the barn.
    “ We’re at your spot. I need you to crawl inside, okay? I can’t carry you.”
    She looks from me to the barn, and I watch her slowly understand.
    “ Lacy’s mad at me?” She’s disoriented, and I can’t let go of her shoulders or she’ll just crumple. I nod.
    “ I’m such a bad friend. Did I say mean things about my brother? I’m okay with it. I just don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t mean it. She can love my brother if she wants to.” Her eyes are darting around. I try to lighten the mood, or wake her up a bit more.
    “ I thought you didn’t believe in love?”
    “ I didn’t say that. I said that love was just a word. I didn’t mean that no one can love. But I can’t.”
    One eyebrow goes straight up at her words, and if she didn’t sound so pathetic, I would have laughed at her. That doesn’t even make sense.
    “ Just you. You’re the only one in the world who can’t be in love.”
    She looks right at me, her eyes so scared and unfocused it gives me that same feeling as before. To wrap her up inside of me and keep her there, as part of me.
    “ Not if I want them to stay.”
    Her words dig at me, but I not sure why. She pulls herself from my grip and stumbles into a kneeling position before turning to look at me again.
    “ Are you coming?”
    I look to the house then back to her. “I dunno, Gracie.”
    She smiles a tiny smile but a real one.
    “ My mouth tastes like barf, and I feel like I have a screwdriver in my brain tightening it until it’ll explode. I’m not going to try anything. I just don’t want to be alone.”
    I sigh and drop to my knees beside her.
    It takes a couple tries, but I get her up the ladder and