Up Till Now. The Autobiography

coming out of a theater with Gloria and her parents. As we stood there I saw my prostitute walking down the sidewalk. Working in the night. I can close my eyes and see her now: a low-cut dress, red hair, black pumps. But when I saw her that night I turned my back on her. I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I was terrified she would recognize me as she walked by.
    She was so wise; as she walked by she did nothing to indicate she knew me, but she subtly acknowledged my presence. As she passed I looked at her, and she looked back over her shoulder. I know she saw me but she kept walking and the moment was gone and I never saw her again.
    This was a woman who had taken a naïve, middle-class, untutored boy, an alien really, and gave me the comfort I so desperately needed. And then, when it became convenient for me, I turned my back on her. In the end, that was the true source of my shame—I had turned my back on someone who had been good to me. It was a moment I’ve never forgotten and I still feel shamed by it.
    As if it’s any excuse, I was in love for the first time in my life. Of course I had absolutely no idea what love was, but she was a beautiful young woman and she was attracted to me and when I was with her I felt something very special. That feeling had to be love, I figured. She was an actress, professionally known as Gloria Rand. Oh, that was perfect, I thought, we shared a passion for the theater. We shared the same dream.
    As I discovered, there is only one problem when two actors marry: they’re both actors! Actors tend to be extremely focused, of necessity narcissistic and often highly competitive. One dream isn’t big enough for the two of them. If both careers are progressing even roughly equally it can be wonderful. But when one is having success while the other is staying home with kids, it can be less than wonderful. Difficult. Of course, Gloria and I didn’t know any of that. We were both young and...
    Oh, I just found out that the New York Post, in an article listing the 100 best cover songs of all time, named my version of Frank Sinatra’s “It Was a Very Good Year” number 60—ahead of EltonJohn’s cover of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” (72) and Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help from My Friends” (86). Note to self: Do cover versions of every song ever written.
    So, Gloria and I were both young and... and young. That really explains it.
    We both wanted to work in America, so we took the $750 I’d won as Stratford’s Most Promising Actor and moved to New York City. We got a small apartment in Jackson Heights, in Queens, four subway stops from Broadway.
    It was during this time that I’d made my American television debut. I suspect because of my considerable experience as a featured player at the prestigious Stratford Festival I was offered a role that utilized all of my many talents. I was given the opportunity to create the role of Ranger Bob on the Howdy Doody Show, co-starring with several puppets and a live clown named Clarabelle who rather than speaking honked her answers on a bicycle horn. “And how are you this morning, Clarabelle?”
    Honk, honk.
    Admittedly that cut down on the dialogue between us. And made it unusually easy for Clarabelle to remember her honks. But there are a limited number of things an actor can do when playing opposite a clown who honks. A good actor responds to whatever emotion is presented to him or her by another actor, although, admittedly, on this show there were times when I wasn’t always certain how best to respond to the bevy of honks.
    I had a little more success on Canadian television. My first major TV role in Canada was the lead in Herman Melville’s tragedy Billy Budd , co-starring with Basil Rathbone. Basil Rathbone! I’d grown up watching him playing Sherlock Holmes in the movies. He was a very well-respected stage and movie actor, but this was one of his first, if not his very first, live television appearances. Some people wondered how he’d respond—a lot of veteran actors had difficulty making the transition to TV—but during rehearsals he didn’t seem to be the slightest bit anxious. “Do you know why I’m not nervous?” he asked me.
    I could hear the confidence of many years’ experience resonating in his voice. I shook my head.
    “Because, you see, in the United States there’s thirty to fifty million people watching a television program, but in Canada it’s only five to ten million.”
    Oh. Only ten million?