Walking with Ghosts

minutes from now. And when it comes I’ll deal with it. That’s how I’ve come this far.’
    Whoa, boy.’ She held up her hands. ‘I was just checking. Reality’s a question for me as well. Dora’s my mother. She’s always been here. I’m not sure how life’ll feel when she’s not here any more.’
    Sam moved towards her and took her hand. They were standing by the window, looking out at the avenue. ‘It won’t be the same,’ he said quietly. ‘For either of us. But when it happens I’ll still be around, if you want me. We might need each other to get through.’ He made eye contact with her. ‘But for now she’s still alive. Today she’s free of pain. I want to enjoy that.’
    Diana thought about it briefly. It was as if you could see the thought taking root in her mind. See her accepting it. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘I’ll tell her a joke when she wakes up. No one appreciates a laugh more than Dora.’
    She looked down at her hand, which Sam still held enclosed with his own. ‘Can I have it back?’ she asked. ‘I mean, you do belong to Dora. And, pretty as you are, you’re not the right sex for me.’
    Sam laughed loudly. ‘When you get to my age, Diana, a woman can fool you by saying you’re smart, but she can’t fool you by saying you’re pretty.’
    ‘I dunno that I was trying to fool you,’ she said. She cocked her head to one side, the better to see him. ‘But it’s not a bad face. I like older faces. There’s more to go at.’
    ‘Wrinkles?’
    ‘Yeah. And lines. Drama, really. I’m not impressed by the smooth countenance of youth.’
    Sam shook his head. ‘I know what you mean,’ he said. ‘But their teeth are better.’
    A silver Toyota space wagon crept along the street, the driver leaning out of the window looking at the house numbers.
    ‘What was Dora like when she was young?’
    Diana frowned. ‘Difficult to say,’ she said. ‘She was the boss, the one in charge. She was the one who always got us wherever we were going. An organizer. She was a benchmark for me, something I should aspire to. In a way, she still is. If I live to be a hundred I’ll still feel inferior to her. I’ll never be able to muster the same amount of energy, of will-power.’
    ‘That’s because she’s your mother,’ Sam said. ‘She provided all your needs. That’s what mothers do.’
    ‘You mean if I was a mother I’d suddenly get more energy?’
    ‘Yeah. You’d have to. It’s a tough job, so they say.’
    Diana shook her head. ‘I don’t feel maternal. I look at women with kids, even some of my friends, and I say a prayer, thank God it’s not me.’
    Sam let her words hang there for a moment, then he said, ‘Talking about kids, Dora wants me to find Billy.’
    ‘Yeah, it comes up from time to time. The question is: does Billy want to be found?’
    ‘Do you know where he is?’
    ‘As far as I know he’s in York. Or somewhere in the area. But he’s disowned us. He doesn’t want anything to do with us.’
    ‘Dora gave me the impression he was somewhere else. I thought he might be in London.’
    ‘He was at one time,’ Diana said. ‘When he first left home he went south. I heard reports every now and then, not from Billy himself, but from people who knew him. He was at RADA, financed himself through the course. He worked at a club in Soho, some kind of bouncer. I couldn’t believe it at first. Billy, a bouncer. When people say “bouncer” you imagine some huge bruiser. And Billy was always smart. If you look at him you could imagine him being a jockey, even a dancer, but not a bouncer.
    ‘Could have inherited some of Dora’s will-power, I suppose. Maybe he got my share. He was not only a bouncer, he was the one the punters feared more than the big guys. With the big guys you got some kind of warning. You could walk away from them. But with Billy, apparently, if you were causing trouble, or if he thought you were causing trouble, he’d just wade straight in. A girlfriend of mine said she watched Billy put some guy out of action, and he was more worried about his shirt than anything else. His shirt got ruffled in the fight. There was some dirt on his collar, Billy’s collar, and the young guy was sat on the bottom step with blood coming from his nose, and Billy was screaming at him for ruining his shirt.’
    ‘Dora didn’t say anything about him being a bouncer,’ said Sam. ‘Does she know?’
    ‘Probably not,’ Diana said. ‘I never told her. She knew he