Whispers Under Ground

asked.
    Strangely, this made him smile. ‘I want to stop running through my life like a man late for an appointment,’ he said. ‘But what I want mostly is a way of getting through this case with a minimum of paperwork, property damage and an actual suspect I can arrest and send up the fucking stairs.’
    ‘I’ll do my best, sir,’ I said.
    ‘You know the Covent Garden beheading has never been officially cleared,’ he said. ‘That’s a dent in my clear-up rate, Peter, not yours, because you don’t have a fucking clear-up rate do you?’ He leaned forward. I leaned back. ‘I’ve got a very good clear-up rate, Peter, I’m very proud of it and so at the end of this case I expect there to be a collar – preferably one attached to a human being.’
    ‘Yes, sir,’ I said.
    ‘You do know when to keep your mouth shut,’ said Seawoll. ‘I’ll give you that much. What are your actions for tomorrow?’
    ‘I’m going to follow Kevin Nolan and see if I can’t establish what his connection with James Gallagher was,’ I said.
    ‘You’re sure there’s a connection?’
    They were both dealing in magic pottery, I didn’t say.
    ‘You don’t want to know, sir,’ I said. ‘But with luck we can connect them in a more tangible way.’
    ‘I want you to write up the action plan properly and file it first thing with the case manager,’ said Seawoll. ‘If you get a connection we can use, you call Stephanopoulos immediately and we ramp up the surveillance. No going off on your own – understand?’
    There was a crash as a door slammed open and a high-pitched laugh.
    Lesley lurched out of the loos, pulled herself up into a semblance of dignity, and looked around in vague puzzlement before fixing on me and Seawoll.
    ‘Oh dear,’ said Seawoll. ‘Will you look at the state of that? About time you took her home, son.’ He waved at me imperiously and I scuttled off to do his bidding.
    Lesley wasn’t so drunk that she didn’t think to check my fitness to drive.
    ‘I’m definitely below the limit,’ I said as I poured her into the passenger seat and closed the door.
    ‘Why aren’t you drunk?’ she asked. It had grown cold out while we were in the pub and the inside of the Asbo was freezing – my breath steamed as I leaned over to buckle Lesley in.
    ‘Because I’m driving,’ I said.
    ‘You’re so boring,’ she said. ‘You’d think a copper who was a wizard would be more interesting. Harry Potter wasn’t this boring. I bet Gandalf could drink you under the table.’
    Probably true, but I don’t remember the bit where Hermione gets so wicked drunk that Harry has to pull the broomstick over on Buckingham Palace Road just so she can be sick in the gutter. Once she wiped her mouth with the napkins I’d so boringly kept in the glove compartment against such an eventuality, she resumed by pointing out that Merlin had probably had something to teach me about the raising of the wrist.
    I would have been subjected to a longer list except Lesley had grown up reading Sophie Kinsella and Helen Fielding and so she ran out of fictional wizards at Severus Snape and our journey home continued in relative quiet.
    By the time I’d parked in the Folly’s garage Lesley had gone from belligerent to my best mate. She flopped against me and I felt her breasts squashing against my chest as her arm snaked around my waist. ‘Let’s go to bed,’ she mumbled. I was hard enough to make me glad I wasn’t wearing jeans. It certainly didn’t make manoeuvring her through the snow to the back door any easier.
    I tried to prop her against the wall while I fumbled for my keys but she kept flopping against me. ‘I could leave the mask on,’ she said. ‘Or wear a paper bag.’
    Her hand found my erection and gave it a delighted squeeze. I yelped and dropped the keys. ‘Look what you made me do,’ I said.
    ‘Never mind that,’ said Lesley and tried to get her hand inside my fly.
    I jumped back and she started to sag slowly into the snow. I had to throw both my arms around her to try to hoist her back up, but all I managed to do was half pull both her jumper and blouse off.
    ‘That’s more like it,’ she said. ‘I’m up for it if you are.’
    The back door opened to reveal Molly, who looked at me, then at Lesley and then back at me.
    ‘It’s not what you think it is,’ I said.
    ‘Isn’t it?’ asked Lesley as she staggered upright. ‘Shit.’
    ‘Let us in, Molly I want to get her into bed,’ I said.
    Molly