Worth the fight

Seething, the words make me sick to even her myself say them.
    “I want you.  I want to help you, damn it!”
    “You can’t help me, Elle.  I’m fucking broken.  I killed a man.   With my own two hands, I took another person’s life.  Only a monster does that . A monster that will rot in hell.  It’s where I fucking belong!”
    “It was an accident!”   We are scream ing at each other now.  Completely and totally screaming at the top of our lungs, each trying to get our point across by yelling louder.
    “ It was my hand that dealt him what killed him.  That’s not an accident, it’s murder.  And murderers are unredeemable.”
    Elle looks up at me and she’s pale as a ghost.  For a second I think she might pass out.
    “You really think there’s no forgiveness in what happened?”  She’s no longer yelling, her voice is low and breaks mid-sentence.
    “Forgiveness from who , Elle?  The only person that could grant me absolution is dead.”
    Tears are streaming down her face as she runs out of my loft and rips the elevator door down. I watch as she frantically presses the button to make her escape.  She’s desperate to get away from me, and I don’t blame her one bit. 

Chapter 36
    Elle
    I have no idea how I even made it home.  The tears blurred my vision so badly, I could barely see. Panic seizes me as I think about how much worse it could have been.  The only saving grace is that I never got to carry out my plan to tell Nico why I can help him, what makes me so uniquely qualified to understand what he is going through.  I sob as I recall his words over and over in my head, “It was my hand that dealt him what killed him.  That’s not an accident, it’s murder.  And murderers are unredeemable.”
    I don’t know why I thought we were the same.  We’re not.  I’m so much worse.  Yet, he thinks he’s a monster for what he did…and what happened to him was truly an accident.  Unlike me.  I’m the one who is unredeemable.   If he hates himself so much for what he did when he didn’t intend for it to happen, what would he think when he found out about me?  Mine wasn’t an accident.
    I’ve suppressed emotions for so long, that it’s like a dam breaking when the tears start to come.  They flood me like raging waters.  Uncontrollably, I cry and cry until I finally feel like I’m drowning and sleep takes me as I surrender, my mind hoping to find peace at rest.
    “You stupid whore.  I told you not to go running to your sister’s house again.”  My father grabs a fistful of my mother’s hair and yanks with all his might, sending my already frail mother across the room.  The pot on the stove makes a loud clank as she hits into the stove.  My mother’s face is already black and blue from last time and her nose is probably broken.  Although she can’t be sure since she stopped going to the doctor a few years ago.  Doctors ask too many questions.
    “Did you think I wouldn’t find you, you worthless cunt?  I’ll always find you .  When are you going to learn your fucking lesson?”  My father takes two long strides toward my mother and she folds her body into a ball to protect herself, bracing for what she knows is inevitable.  I watch as he rears his leg back and kicks her in the side with all his might.  Her body falls to the side, but she’s still huddled into a ball, her tiny arms straining to cover her own head. 
    It’s not difficult for my father to lift my mother, he’s six feet tall and well over two hundred pounds and she’s tiny.  The last year has been so bad that she keeps getting tinier.  She thinks I don’t notice, but I do.   Her clothes are all too big and she barely eats anymore.   She’s always sad lately.
    He reaches down and grabs her off the floor by her neck, lifting her upright and off her feet in one swift motion.  Even when he’s this drunk, it doesn’t seem to lessen his strength.  Sometimes I think it give s him more.  More power.  More hatred.  The evil that’s always lurking in the depths finds its way to the surface and then it’s even worse.  Almost as if the evil gets bottled up so long that it explodes when it finally comes out.
    It wasn’t always like this.  My father wasn’t always the monster he is today.  I remember him coming home after work and sitting on the couch.  He would playfully pull my mother onto his lap when she came to bring him a drink.  She would giggle and they would kiss.