Xenocide (Ender Wiggins Saga)

much truth and power in my dream of her? Then maybe Peter also has everything within him that my real brother had-- all that was dangerous and terrible, but also that which created a new order.
    Try as he might, Ender couldn't get himself to believe that story. Young Val might have healing in her eyes, but Peter had none of that in him. His was the face that, years before, Ender had seen looking back at him from a mirror in the Fantasy Game, in a terrible room where he died again and again before he could finally embrace the element of Peter within himself and go on.
    I embraced Peter and destroyed a whole people. I took him into myself and committed xenocide. I thought, in all these years since then, that I had purged him. That he was gone. But he'll never leave me.
    The idea of withdrawing from the world and entering into the order of the Children of the Mind of Christ-- there was much to attract him in that. Perhaps there, Novinha and he together could purge themselves of the demons that had dwelt inside them all these years. Novinha has never been so much at peace, thought Ender, as she is tonight.
    Young Val noticed him, came to him as he stood in the doorway.
    "Why are you here?" she said.
    "Looking for you," he said.
    "Plikt and I are spending the night with Olhado's family," she said. She glanced at Nimbo and smiled. The boy grinned foolishly.
    "Jane says that you're going with the starship," Ender said softly.
    "If Peter can hold Jane within himself, so can I," she answered. "Miro is going with me. To find habitable worlds."
    "Only if you want to," said Ender.
    "Don't be foolish," she said. "Since when have you done only what you want to do? I'll do what must be done, that only I can do."
    He nodded.
    "Is that all you came for?" she asked.
    He nodded again. "I guess," he said.
    "Or did you come because you wish that you could be the child you were when you last saw a girl with this face?"
    The words stung-- far worse than when Peter guessed what was in his heart. Her compassion was far more painful than his contempt.
    She must have seen the expression of pain on his face, and misunderstood it. He was relieved that she was capable of misunderstanding. I do have some privacy left.
    "Are you ashamed of me?" she asked.
    "Embarrassed," he said. "To have my unconscious mind made so public. But not ashamed . Not of you ." He glanced toward Nimbo, then back to her. "Stay here and finish what you started."
    She smiled slightly. "He's a good boy who thought that he was doing something fine."
    "Yes," he said. "But it got away from him."
    "He didn't know what he was doing," she said. "When you don't understand the consequences of your acts, how can you be blamed for them?"
    He knew that she was talking as much about him, Ender the Xenocide, as about Nimbo. "You don't take the blame," he answered. "But you still take responsibility. For healing the wounds you caused."
    "Yes," she said. "The wounds you caused. But not all the wounds in the world."
    "Oh?" he asked. "And why not? Because you plan to heal them all yourself?"
    She laughed-- a light, girlish laugh. "You haven't changed a bit, Andrew," she said. "Not in all these years."
    He smiled at her, hugged her lightly, and sent her back into the light of the room. He himself, though, turned back out into the darkness and headed home. There was light enough for him to find his way, yet he stumbled and got lost several times.
    "You're crying," said Jane in his ear.
    "This is such a happy day," he said.
    "It is, you know. You're just about the only person wasting any pity on you tonight."
    "Fine, then," said Ender. "If I'm the only one, then at least there's one."
    "You've got me ," she said. "And our relationship has been chaste all along."
    "I've really had enough of chastity in my life," he answered. "I wasn't hoping for more."
    "Everyone is chaste in the end. Everyone ends up out of the reach of all the deadly sins."
    "But I'm not dead ," he said. "Not yet. Or am I?"
    "Does this feel like heaven?" she asked.
    He laughed, and not nicely.
    "Well, then, you can't be dead."
    "You forget," he said. "This could easily be hell."
    "Is it?" she asked him.
    He thought about all that had been accomplished. Ela's viruses. Miro's healing. Young Val's kindness to Nimbo. The smile of peace on Novinha's face. The pequeninos' rejoicing as their liberty began its passage through their world. Already, he knew, the viricide was cutting an ever-widening swath through the prairie of capim