Xenocide (Ender Wiggins Saga)

Qing-jao. "So I could count them. None of them wanted to be left out."
    "Love you," whispered Jiang-qing.
    Han Fei-tzu heard a new sound in her breathy voice-- a popping sound, like bubbles bursting with her words.
    "Do you think that seeing so many carp means that I will be godspoken?" asked Qing-jao.
    "I will ask the gods to speak to you," said Jiang-qing.
    Suddenly Jiang-qing's breathing became quick and harsh. Han Fei-tzu immediately knelt and looked at his wife. Her eyes were wide and frightened. The moment had come.
    Her lips moved. Promise me, she said, though her breath could make no sound but gasping.
    "I promise," said Han Fei-tzu.
    Then her breathing stopped.
    "What do the gods say when they talk to you?" asked Qing-jao.
    "Your mother is very tired," said Han Fei-tzu. "You should go out now."
    "But she didn't answer me. What do the gods say?"
    "They tell secrets," said Han Fei-tzu. "No one who hears will repeat them."
    Qing-jao nodded wisely. She took a step back, as if to leave, but stopped. "May I kiss you, Mama?"
    "Lightly on the cheek," said Han Fei-tzu.
    Qing-jao, being small for a four-year-old, did not have to bend very far at all to kiss her mother's cheek. "I love you, Mama."
    "You'd better leave now, Qing-jao," said Han Fei-tzu.
    "But Mama didn't say she loved me too."
    "She did. She said it before. Remember? But she's very tired and weak. Go now."
    He put just enough sternness in his voice that Qing-jao left without further questions. Only when she was gone did Han Fei-tzu let himself feel anything but care for her. He knelt over Jiang-qing's body and tried to imagine what was happening to her now. Her soul had flown and was now already in heaven. Her spirit would linger much longer; perhaps her spirit would dwell in this house, if it had truly been a place of happiness for her. Superstitious people believed that all spirits of the dead were dangerous, and put up signs and wards to fend them off. But those who followed the Path knew that the spirit of a good person was never harmful or destructive, for their goodness in life had come from the spirit's love of making things. Jiang-qing's spirit would be a blessing in the house for many years to come, if she chose to stay.
    Yet even as he tried to imagine her soul and spirit, according to the teachings of the Path, there was a cold place in his heart that was certain that all that was left of Jiang-qing was this brittle, dried-up body. Tonight it would burn as quickly as paper, and then she would be gone except for the memories in his heart.
    Jiang-qing was right. Without her to complete his soul, he was already doubting the gods. And the gods had noticed-- they always did. At once he felt the unbearable pressure to do the ritual of cleansing, until he was rid of his unworthy thoughts. Even now they could not leave him unpunished. Even now, with his wife lying dead before him, the gods insisted that he do obeisance to them before he could shed a single tear of grief for her.
    At first he meant to delay, to put off obedience. He had schooled himself to be able to postpone the ritual for as long as a whole day, while hiding all outward signs of his inner torment. He could do that now-- but only by keeping his heart utterly cold. There was no point in that. Proper grief could come only when he had satisfied the gods. So, kneeling there, he began the ritual.
    He was still twisting and gyrating with the ritual when a servant peered in. Though the servant said nothing, Han Fei-tzu heard the faint sliding of the door and knew what the servant would assume: Jiang-qing was dead, and Han Fei-tzu was so righteous that he was communing with the gods even before he announced her death to the household. No doubt some would even suppose that the gods had come to take Jiang-qing, since she was known for her extraordinary holiness. No one would guess that even as Han Fei-tzu worshiped, his heart was full of bitterness that the gods would dare demand this of him even now.
    O Gods, he thought, if I knew that by cutting off an arm or cutting out my liver I could be rid of you forever, I would seize the knife and relish the pain and loss, all for the sake of freedom.
    That thought, too, was unworthy, and required even more cleansing. It was hours before the gods at last released him, and by then he was too tired, too sick at heart to grieve. He got up and fetched the women to prepare Jiang-qing's body for the burning.
    At midnight he was the last to come to the pyre,