You Suck: A Love Story

where I hit myself with a hatchet, it’s gone.”
    “And it always will be,” Jody said. “You’ll always be perfect, just like you are now. My split ends even went away.”
    “I’ll always be the same?”
    “Yes.”
    “Just like I am now.”
    “As far as I know,” Jody said.
    “But I was going to start working out. I was going to be buff. I was going to have abs of steel.”
    “No, you weren’t.”
    “I was. I was going to be an awesome hunk of muscular man-meat.”
    “No, you weren’t. You wanted to be a writer. You were going to have little stick arms and get winded when you hit the back-space key more than three times consecutively. You’re in great shape from working in the grocery store. Wait until you see how you can run.”
    “You really think I’m in great shape?”
    “Yes, I thought I made that clear.”
    Tommy flexed his chest in the mirror, which showed not at all through his flannel shirt. He unbuttoned his shirt and tried it again, with little effect, then shrugged. “What about the writer thing? Will my brain always be like this? I mean, will I get any smarter, or is that stuck in time, too?”
    “Well, yeah, but that’s because you’re a man, not because you’re a vampire.”
    “You spiteful harpy.”
    “I think I’ve made my point,” Jody said.
    J ody had put on a red leather jacket, even though she could no longer feel discomfort from the cold fog coming in off the Bay. She liked the way it looked with her black jeans and a low-cut black lace camisole she’d rescued from a Nordstrom Rack Store before some slut got hold of it. “Come on, Tommy, we need to go find something for you to eat before we run out of night.”
    “I know, but I have something I have to do. Give me a minute.” He was in the bathroom again, this time with the door shut.
    Jody heard the zipper of his jeans go down, then a slightly breathless man-scream. The bathroom door flew open and Tommy, his pants and underwear around his ankles, bunny-hopped in two great leaps across the bedroom.
    “Look at this. What’s happening to me. Look at this!” He was pointing furiously to his penis. “It’s like I’m some radioactive mutant freak.”
    Jody went to him and grabbed his hands-held him steady, looked him in the eyes. “Tommy, calm down. It’s just your foreskin.”
    “I don’t have a foreskin. I’m circumcised.”
    “Not anymore,” Jody said. “Evidently, when you turned, it grew back, just like your toes straightened and your scars all went away.”
    “Oh. You don’t find it creepy, then?”
    “No. It’s fine.”
    “You want to touch it?”
    “Thanks. Maybe later.”
    “Oh, sorry, I freaked. Didn’t realize. I-uh-I still feel like I have to finish what I was going to do.”
    “That’s fine,” Jody said. “You’re fine. You go finish up. I’ll wait.”
    “You’re sure you don’t want to give it a quick fondle?”
    “If I do, can we get out of here?”
    “Probably not.”
    “Well then, back in the bathroom you go.” She spun him around and gave him a gentle shove. He bunny-hopped his newly recovered foreskin back into the bathroom and closed the door.
    Jody shuddered at the sound of the door closing. She hadn’t thought about whether or not Tommy would retain his incessant horniness after he turned, she had just wanted a companion who could understand what she was, what she felt, what the world looked like through vampire eyes. If it turned out that he was going to be nineteen forever, she might end up having to kill him for real.

2 – The Last Poop
    The Last Poop So that was it?”
    “Yep.”
    “Never again?”
    “Nope.”
    “Not ever?”
    “Nope.”
    “I feel like I should save them or something.”
    “Would you just flush and come out of there.” I Am Poor and My Cat Is Huge J ody walked a step or two behind Tommy, just watching him, as they made their way upThird Street toward Market. She was watching his reaction to his new senses, giving him some room to look around, whispering hints about what he was experiencing. She’d gone through this herself only a couple of months ago, and she’d done it without a guide.
    “I can see the heat coming off the streetlamps,” Tommy said, looking up and spinning as he walked.
    “Every window in every building is a different color.”
    “Try to just look at one thing at a time, Tommy. Don’t let it overwhelm you.” Jody was waiting for him to comment on the aura that each person was giving off. Not a heat