Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

be absorbed, and at a maximum, be fully assimilated.
    You can also do your best to separate your messages by separating your children when you have a specific message to send. If your younger children aren’t around their older siblings you send a certain message, there can be no confusion about who the message is for. Of course, in the usually full and hectic life of any family, separation isn’t always possible. So you have to make clear, when sending a message, who it is for and why. If you call your children by name and look them in the eye, you can at least be assured that they understand that you are talking to them.
    The reality is that there will in evitably be some message confusion if you have more than one child. You must accept that, until your younger children develop greater language and cognitive capabilities, they are not necessarily going to be able to distinguish messages that are aimed at them from those aimed at their siblings. This means you must ensure greater message clarity with the messages you do send, by giving your children more time to let the messages sink in, and being patient if they don’t get the messages as quickly as you would like.
EXTENDED FAMILY: “YOU MEAN I’M NOT ALLOWED TO SPOIL MY GRANDCHILDREN?”
     
    Though some extended families, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, are on the same page when it comes to the messages they all want to send to their children, others are not. Some of your extended family members, for example, aunts, uncles, and cousins, may simply assume that you share their values and attitudes. As a result, they may not realize that they are sending messages that you might not approve, whether, for example, it’sexposing your children to too much media or giving them too many sweets or not expecting them to clear their dishes after meals.
    Other extended family members, most notably grandparents, may simply not feel an obligation to support the messages you want your children to get because they feel that they paid their dues in raising you and should get a free pass when it comes to their grandchildren.
    Grandparents sure have it good when it comes to our children. They get all of the perks and none of the burdens that we have as parents. Grandparents get to do all the fun things with their grandchildren, but then get to return the children to us at the end of the day when they are tired, hungry, or cranky. And grandparents are usually absolved of responsibility when it comes to things like discipline and setting limits (“I have earned the right to spoil my grandchildren,” states one of our girls’ grandmothers).
    The degree to which extended family can affect your children through the messages they send depends on their proximity. If your children’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins live far away and see your family infrequently, then little harm can be done. For the sake of family peace, it’s probably best to just accept that your children may get some less-than-healthy messages during visits and realize that your ever-present messages will probably override any they receive during the rare visits from extended family.
    If, however, you have extended family nearby, they are a frequent presence in your children’s lives, and you find them sending messages of which you do not approve, then you have to make a difficult choice: either accept those unhealthy messages and hope that your messages take precedence or have that potentially difficult discussion with your extended family members about the disconnect between the messages they are sending your children and the messages you want your children to get. This conversation can be difficult because all parents believe that they are sending their (and your) children positive messages; what parent would consciously do otherwise? Your suggestion to the contrary might not be accepted in the best light; in other words, your extended family might takeoffense. As a result, this conversation requires sensitivity to and respect for your extended family’s values, and, most important, some compromise on your part so your extended family doesn’t feel judged or put upon. The goal of this discussion is to show that you value your extended family’s presence in your children’s lives while, at the same time, doing your best to ensure that your children receive mostly good messages from them, so that everyone can feel comfortable during family visits.
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