Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

meta-message is that you only stick to what you believe in and only do the right thing when it’s easy or opportune. That’s certainly not a message you want your children to get. The survey of 1,600 parents I referred to in chapter 1 showed that about 17 percent describe themselves as “softies” and say that “I’m sometimes too tired to be firm with my child even when I know I should,” “I sometimes let too many things go,” and “I sometimes give in too quickly.” Fifty-four percent say their children wastemoney shopping, 48 percent believe they are overindulging their children, 81 percent bribe their children, and 53 percent worry that they are raising rude children.
    Another meta-message you send when you are exhausted and being expedient is that your needs are more important than those of your children. And children pick up on that meta-message like bloodhounds on a scent because at a deep level they feel unvalued and neglected. Still another meta-message your children may get when you act expediently is that when life gets difficult, it’s okay to take the path of least resistance.
    There is no easy answer to how to reduce your fatigue. The unfortunate reality is that you have been and will continue for the foreseeable future to be very tired; it’s called being a parent. At the same time, you can’t possibly be a good parent if you are in a constant state of exhaustion; a dog-tired parent makes for an unhappy child. As a result, you must find ways to recharge your batteries. Whether it involves your spouse letting you sleep in once a week or getting some exercise or quiet time or an evening out with friends, such “selfish” pursuits can keep total exhaustion at bay (as can the hope that you will some day get a decent night’s sleep, perhaps when your children go off to college!).
    When you’re really tired, it’s difficult to think clearly, weigh options, and make good choices. In other words, it’s just too hard to think, so you will probably fall back on your default reactions. If you don’t have a clear idea of what messages you want to communicate or a strong commitment to those messages, then your default will be not to send positive messages at all when you’re exhausted. But if you have given considerable thought to the messages you want to convey to your children, have established a steadfast resolve to send those messages, and have sent them so often that they are second nature, then sending those healthy messages will be your default, and doing what is expedient will actually require more thought and effort on your part. When you know what is right, you will have a healthy dose of guilt for even thinking about acting in your ownself-interest and a healthy dose of resolve to send the right message no matter how exhausted you are.
    I’m not saying that you have to send the right messages to your children 100 percent of the time. That is a burden that no parent could ever shoulder. Sometimes doing what is expedient is necessary for your own health and sanity (if you don’t have those, there’s no way you can be a good parent), and that’s fine as long as it’s the exception and not the rule. So don’t feel guilty if you slip up periodically; welcome to parenthood! In fact, a key meta-message that your children need to get is that you have needs, too, and that they can’t always be the center of the universe. As long as the preponderance of messages you send to your children are healthy ones, they will get the messages and meta-messages they need to get.
UNHAPPY MARRIAGES OR DIVORCED PARENTS: “WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON, MY DEAR?”
     
    Parents with marital problems or who are divorced have unique challenges to sending clear and consistent messages to their children. Where unified messages of every sort are so important, the very nature of troubled or broken marriages makes creating unity extremely difficult. But that shared purpose has to start with this: No matter what your feelings about each other may be, you have a responsibility to place the needs of your children ahead of your own and work together to present cohesive, consistent, and healthy messages to them. And it’s important to get this right early, because it will affect your children throughout their lives. If you work together to send a coherent message, the marital discord or divorce will probably have a less negative effect on your children.
    Creating a unified message between parents in conflict is