Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

difficult but essential, because the quality of the relationship between spouses has a significant impact on the health and well-being of children. Research has shown that children exposed to parentalconflict feel their parents were less emotionally available and loving; these children have lower self-esteem and more emotional problems, and they feel less competent. Additionally, this conflict causes stress that hurts children’s physical health, including their sleep, diet, and susceptibility to illness.
    You will need to have open discussions with your spouse or ex-spouse that enable each of you to find ways to separate your own issues and needs from those of your children. Despite the lack of unity the two of you may have as a couple, it is incumbent on you in the best interests of your children to create that unity as parents. If the two of you require the help of an outside professional to facilitate these discussions, then seek one out. All that matters in your role as parents is to ensure that your children get the best messages possible. That objective must supersede any difficulties that exist in your marriage.
SIBLINGS: “I WAS TALKING TO YOUR BROTHER.”
     
    If you consider that the average American family has 3.14 children, then your children are probably not growing up in a vacuum at home. Instead, they are exposed to all kinds of messages related to their older and younger siblings. Not only are your children getting the messages you direct toward their siblings, they’re also receiving the messages that their siblings communicate to you and to one another. This means that you have a whole lot of different messages flying around your home, some appropriate for all of your children and others less so.
    There are several problems with having many and often conflicting messages at home. The reality is that your children, whether younger or older, have different temperaments, personalities, and learning styles and are at different levels of development. So your children are getting many messages that aren’t suitable for them individually. Also, they may not be sophisticated enough to readilydiscriminate between those that are for them and those that aren’t. Plus, your older children may have little regard for the messages they are sending to your younger children, however bad they may be, and may even gain some perverse pleasure out of “corrupting” their younger siblings. As any parent knows, young children often revere their older siblings and are easily persuaded by any messages from them.
    Younger siblings can also be message blockers or send the wrong messages to your older children. For example, because infants are so needy and receive immediate attention whenever they cry, their older siblings may get the message that they too can get all the attention they want by crying.
    Your sensitivity to this message chaos is paramount. Put yourself in your children’s shoes to see how unfair it all appears to them. Their younger sibling gets all the attention he wants; he just has to cry and Mommy comes running. Your older children think: “Why can’t I do that?” Or perhaps their older sibling gets to stay up late or play outside by him- or herself. Your younger children think: “Why can’t I do that?” Sure, you can get frustrated when your children continue to not get your messages and even push back against them, but consider where they are coming from and imagine how frustrated they must be, too.
    So how do you deal with all of this message confusion? You start by having a set of messages that apply to all of your children. Basic values of honesty, responsibility, and kindness, for example, are relevant for children of all ages. Conduct messages, such as “no hitting” (underlying message: kindness) and “put your toys away” (underlying message: responsibility) are also meaningful for all of your children. These “blanket” messages can be conveyed with your entire message toolbox to your whole brood. For these messages, older siblings can actually be message facilitators; as role models they can help send healthy messages to their younger brothers or sisters. For example, Gracie was a fast learner of dinnertime chores because she saw Catie set the table before dinner and bring herdishes to the sink after she finished eating. So positive messages you send to your older children will also be on their younger siblings’ radar screen at an early age and will, at a minimum, begin to