Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

it to say that many tears of love were shed at that birthday party.
    Steve and Caitlyn gave their twin boy and girl, Kyle and Sophie, soft and cuddly little “woobies” (another name for blankies) when they were born. Now that they are four years old, Kyle’s and Sophie’s woobies are an ever-present source of comfort in their lives. These woobies also became a first spontaneous and then ritualized expression of their love for their parents. As told to me by Steve, every night when Kyle and Sophie were put to bed, the twins would each take the most worn corner of their woobies and give their parents “woobie love,” by brushing their cheeks gently with it. And just to show you the power of ritual, when one of the twins was upset, the other would offer woobie love as comfort, or the sad twin would give him- or herself woobie love as a form of self-soothing.
    Blake, the father of three—ages six, four, and two—isn’t allowed to leave the house for work each morning until all three of his children do “Run & Hug.” This morning ritual involves his kneeling down by the front door and each of his children standing about ten feet away, counting down “three, two, one, go,” and running into his arms for a hug and kiss. His kids have gotten very creative and modified “Run & Hug” to “Dance & Hug,” “Hop & Hug,” “Crawl & Hug,” and many other variations thereof.
    Ritual expressions of love shouldn’t be exclusive to you and your children, but can (and should) also include your spouse and others as role models. A ritual that Sarah and I developed, more out of our love for each other than by conscious decision, is that every time we leave or enter our house, we give each other a kiss. We have similar rituals of love for extended family and close friends. Catie and Gracie see love being modeled in these different ways with different people and get the message that love is something that can be appropriately expressed toward others for whom we share deep feelings of affection.
    As I just suggested, it is a very positive message to expand the circle of love beyond your immediate family. One of our neighbors, Nancy, has a ritual for her son that every Sunday, he “Skypes” his grandparents on both sides of the family. This new video-callingtechnology has been a boon for distant grandparents who are now able to remain much more connected to their grandchildren now through the combined visual and voice medium. It allows children to build and maintain loving relationships with extended families whom they might not see often. And it has the added bonus of sending the meta-message that family is important.
    Beyond ritualized expressions of love, spontaneous expressions of love send a dramatic message to children. Unexpected words of love, hugs and kisses, or even just a gentle and reassuring touch can cause children’s eyes to brighten, smiles to widen, and moods to rise. You can think of these surprising shows of love as sort of reverse scares. Let me explain. You know how it feels when someone jumps out from behind a door and yells “BOO!” Your heart stops for a second, then starts racing, and adrenaline surges through your body. The unexpected expressions of love create an inverse sudden reaction of calm, joy, and love. Your unanticipated love is like a special treat that your children didn’t expect and, as a surprise, is especially sweet.
ACTIVITIES FOR LOVE
     
    One of the most powerful ways you can express love for your children is to give them a gift that is, sadly, in short supply for many families, namely, time. The message you send when you are with them, mind, body, and spirit, is that you love them enough to make them your number-one priority. Unfortunately, as for most families, our life can get pretty hectic, to the point that there seems to be little down time when Sarah and I can really connect with our girls. So we make sure that we set aside “special time” during which we separately share a fun activity with each of our girls. The specific activity matters less than the time you spend together, but something out of the ordinary conveys an especially powerful message to your children. For example, Sarah and I have alternated taking Catie to
The Nutcracker
ballet the last several years. And we take turns taking Gracie to the zoo (which she loves).
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    ACTIVITIES FOR LOVE
     
Special time with each child.
Establish traditions that express love.
Make special things for them.
Make