Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

he first laid eyes on his newborn daughter, Patrice, at her birth he thought he was going to explode (and he made this explosion sound effect). From the time she came home from the hospital, his little “explosion of love” became his catchphrase. While she was still an infant, he would give her a hug and let out a little explosion, and as she got older, he would stand in front of her, clutch his heart and, with a big smile on his face, let out a big explosion sound while spreading his armswide. When he related this story, I was worried that his daughter might think Dave was having a heart attack, but she has always gotten a kick out of it, so who am I to judge? And now, at age four, she has her own little explosions of love for him.
    Terms of endearment are another type of catchphrase that can send powerful messages of love to your children. Ty, a father of two girls I know, has different love-related names for each of the “ladies” in his family. He calls his wife, “my love,” his elder daughter, “my lovette,” and his younger daughter, “my loveling.” These terms of endearment express his love to all three, yet offer a unique and special expression to each.
    Finally, don’t forget the most reliable catchphrase for love that has stood the test of time: “I love you!” It may be old-fashioned and a bit sentimental, but nothing expresses your feelings of love more unambiguously, directly, or powerfully. And “I love you” is just plain warm and fuzzy. Tell your children (and your spouse) “I love you” early and often—with hugs and kisses attached, if possible (more message conduits)—so it becomes a part of your family vocabulary.
ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR LOVE
     
    The “How much do I love you? Sooo much!” question and catch-phrase have been an enduring ritual for us. At bedtime, Catie and Gracie will turn the tables and ask me the question, and I answer. This give-and take has become a part of our nighttime routine. It has gotten to the point where, thoroughly spontaneously at some point during the day, the girls ask me, “Daddy, how much do I love you?” And I say, “Sooo much!” They respond with smiles and giggles. By making this catchphrase and ritual their own, Catie and Gracie have become active participants in our family’s love. They also learn how to express their love for me, Sarah, and each other.
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    ROUTINES AND RITUALS FOR LOVE
     
Catchphrases at bedtime.
Sign language for love.
Notes of love.
“Woobie” (blankies) love.
Run & Hug.
Express love to your spouse.
Skype with extended family.
Spontaneous expressions of love.
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    As soon as Catie and Gracie began to understand language, but were still a ways away from talking, we taught them rudimentary sign language to help them communicate their needs, for example, signing for sleep, hunger, thirst. We also taught them how to sign “I love you.” By around fifteen months, both girls were signing back to us. I doubt they knew precisely what the signing meant, but I’m sure they got the idea that whatever we were “saying” was a good thing because of the “warm fuzzies” we communicated in our facial expressions and body language.
    Sign language gives children another conduit through which to receive and send messages of love, particularly for young children who haven’t yet developed their language skills sufficiently to express their feelings. Also, because love is such a visceral experience, the physicality of sign language provides a direct path to the feelings associated with love. It also enables them to send messages of love beyond arm’s length and carry of voice. To this day, our girls use the “I love you” signs as a means of expressing their love, for example, from our living room looking down to our driveway when Sarah or I are driving away, or when they are speaking to their grandparents on Skype.
    Martha, mother of Amanda, missed her baby daughter mightily when she returned to work after a four-month maternity leave. To ensure that Amanda knows that she is always in her momma’s heart, every morning for what is now more than five years, Martha gives her a Post-it note with some variation of a red heart and “I love you” written on it. Amanda’s grandmother, who cared for her while Martha worked, kept the notes without telling Martha, and on Martha’s latest birthday, Amanda (with her grandma’s help) presented Martha with a handmade book of every single one of those Post-its. Suffice