Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

competence in your children. Yet praise is an incredibly misused strategy for building competence and self-esteem. Without realizing it, many parents use praise in a way that, at best, does nothing to build competence, and at worst, actually undermines their children’s ability to cultivate a true sense of competence.
    What is the most common praise you hear parents (and teachers and coaches) give kids at home, on the playground, in class, and on the sports fields? Well, the one I hear most frequently is “Good job!” and it is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. “Good job” (and other variants such as “Way to go,” “Nice job,” and “That’s great”) have become knee-jerk reactions from parents whenever their kids do something worthy of acknowledgment. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “Good job!” I would be a rich man today.
    What’s the problem with “Good job”? Well, it’s lazy praise; it’s worthless praise; it’s actually harmful praise. It has no value to children, yet parents have been brainwashed into thinking that it will build their children’s self-esteem. Plus, it’s the expedient thing to say; parents don’t have to think about what their children actually achieved specifically, what enabled them to gain that accomplishment, or what might be the most beneficial way to praise them.
    Here’s why “Good job!” is of such little value. Let’s start with the purpose of praise: to encourage children to continue to engage in behaviors that produce positive outcomes. Now you can start to see the problems with “Good job!” First, it lacks specificity; it doesn’t tell children what precisely they did well, and without that information they can’t know exactly what they should do in the future to get the same outcome. Second, “Good job!” focuses on the outcome rather than the process, which, as I have discussed previously, actually interferes with children achieving that desired outcome. If you’re going to be lazy with your praise, at least say, “Good effort!” because that phrase focuses on a controllable attribute—effort—that your children use to do a good job.
    The reality is that children don’t need to be told “Good job!” when they have done something well; it’s self-evident. Whether they are learning to walk, swim, do a forward roll, or read or write, children are able to experience firsthand that they were successful. At the same time, children probably don’t know what exactly they did to produce that great result. They need to be told
why
they did well so they can do it again and experience the same sense of competence; for example, “You were really focused walking on the balance beam.”
    Research has shown that how you praise your children has a powerful influence on their development. For example, studies found that children who were praised for their intelligence, as compared to their effort, became overly focused on results. Following a failure, these same children persisted less, showed less enjoyment, attributed their failure to a lack of ability (which they believed they could not change), and performed poorly in future achievement efforts. Too much praise of any sort can also be unhealthy. Research has found that students who were lavished with praise were more cautious in their responses to questions, had less confidence in their answers, were less persistent in difficult assignments, and less willing to share their ideas.
    Children develop a sense of competence by seeing the consequences of their actions, not by being told about the consequencesof their actions. Other research reported that children who were praised for their effort showed more interest in learning, demonstrated greater persistence and more enjoyment, attributed their failure to lack of effort (which they believed they could change), and performed well in subsequent achievement activities. Rewarding effort also encouraged them to work harder and to seek new challenges.
    Based on these findings, you should avoid praising your children about areas over which they have no control. These include any innate and unalterable abilities and attributes such as intelligence, physical attractiveness, or athletic or artistic gifts. You should direct your praise to areas over which your children have control—attitude, effort, responsibility, commitment, discipline, focus, time management, decision making, compassion, generosity, respect, love … the list goes